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Which of these messages would you pick as the new year’s winner?

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I did that dumb “love language” quiz and apparently mine is “words of affirmation” which makes sense because words mean a lot to me.

I don’t know yet which I pick. anyone who calls me obscenely beautiful? Yes please. But especially coming from someone who is an artist and takes pictures and has an eye for beauty (and is also very hot)? Ding ding ding!

But I do love being insulted (I am serious), and particularly from this boy, so a message that says “I look forward to tolerating you in 2024″? also quite appealing.

Holy crap I am one fucked up chick.

I have felt a little off ever since the accident. The physical soreness is easing up and my bruises are fading. See?

inside I still feel banged up. My anxiety has increased but I think the meds I started a few months ago have helped to keep it at manageable level.

I definitely feel emotionally withdrawn tho. Kind of vulnerable? A little raw. I’m not sure how to describe it. I just want to be left alone. I don’t want to be around people or go anywhere or do anything. It’s hard to tell someone that and probably hard to understand. I feel like this parking lot shadow.

I’ve actually been kind of an asshole. Very unresponsive. Ignoring people entirely. Especially the men. And I don’t even feel bad about it. I don’t even care.

I just need some room to breathe. Let me breathe okay.

Christmas came and went so fast. It was Halloween and then I blinked and now it’s December 26th.

We had a lovely day today but there was some very dramatic drama last night (Christmas eve). Nick and I were headed home after picking up a few final items from target. And we get into a major car accident. But luckily no one was seriously injured. I am extremely grateful. It was terribly upsetting and I had panic attack and cried a bunch. But we are fine and the other driver is fine and it could have been so much worse.

There was one casualty. my beloved Juke gave the ultimate sacrifice to protect us and has gone on to the next world. It makes me sad. I loved that car like no other. I know she was getting old and starting to fall apart, but that is okay! She still had value. She still had worth. She was still relevant! And still so cute, so squat and curvy and zippy, and she tried so hard. She did her best.

RIP Juke. You will be missed.

We finally got home a few hours later. And Christmas magic took over. I drank my Christmas cocktail and ate my Christmas snackies and wrapped my Christmas presents. Stockings were hung by the chimney with care.

Plus it had snowed and it was cold and quiet and calm and beautiful out. we finally got our white Christmas, in our 6th year here (wait it’s been six Christmases in Denver that can’t be right wtf!!)

I reflected on things and burned my candle and enjoyed the moment.

Ry was cute and sweet and funny and bought us all Christmas sweaters: super nerdy weird anime ones for them and the best one for me, bob’s burgers.

And of course Ginger was ginger, the best thing in the entire world. adorable in her Christmas sweater with her Christmas toy (puppermint mocha) and opening her presents and posing with her blockbuster video

Tomorrow will be busy I need to try to secure a rental and start figuring out what the hell the universe is trying to tell me. We were supposed to be driving to Tucson tomorrow for a visit with my family. This trip was just not in the cards. but tonight I rest.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Well I’m not sure how we got here but it doesn’t matter does it. here we are.

Anyway besides that, I keep looking for something good each night to make me forget about him and I keep not finding it. I am going to end up dead one of these nights from trying to forget so much. And it is all his fault.

I hate him so much.

In addition to other things I took a sleeping pill but what the heck nothing is happening. Maybe I forgot to take it like last time. But it’s 4 god damn am and I need to sleep. I’m pretty sure I took it

I’m going to use my favorite video of him to put myself to sleep and HE CANNOT STOP ME hahahah you can have all the coffee dates you want mr whatever face, but I will watch this video a million times and you won’t even know. Enjoy your dumb boring lonely life.

Some people think I’m sexy. I know they do. I think they do. Maybe they do? God what if they don’t??? what if no one is left on this good green earth to think I’m sexy?

I do the sweetest things for him and I’m so pathetic and it makes me ill but I keep doing them.

But I’m gonna get him in the end, I am going to wear this fucker down and own him. and then I can walk away.

I might have to suffer some humiliation in the meantime but you gotta give to get. I do feel a certain level of confidence in my ability here. But I’m also whacked out of my mind rn so we’ll see.

Why can’t he just be normal?

Also fuck it I think I’m gonna email Simon. Why not. What is the worst that can happen? He doesn’t respond? Yes that would be awful. Or he does respond and says “you are shit. please leave me alone. Just never reach out again. I don’t want to even know your name anymore. Go. Away.”

That would pretty devastating but I could survive.

Okay nah I’m not gonna reach out. Maybe once I finally get the heave ho from erik, when I have nothing left I care about.

Need more apps more profiles more wit more more more

Gosh merry Christmas Eve kids!

I have a thousand Presents for ginger and like 2 for the boys. Who I finally gave up doing the whole Santa thing for. They’re 19 and 14. Come on. I am done.

Please don’t confront me with my failures. I have not forgotten them.