loafe.com

Today was perfect. Just perfect. I want to relive this day over and over again and I will, in my head, until I’m dead.

I’m not going to go into detail because it was for me and only me but just know… it was perfect.

I’ve started a new playlist. Hot heaux summer was slamming but it ended and I need to move on. So I tried to fall into grace and I was slightly successful but I mostly just failed. grace is not a friend of mine.

But anyway now I’m doing my winter wound. It might turn out to be my best one yet.

Okay I have to show one of the gifts he gave me. Okay two. Okay three.

And look how lovely.

Doesn’t the cloud in the middle look like an AT-AT.

I’ve recently reconnected with an old friend and I’m so very happy about it. It has been such a delight. He’s doing well and seems happy, which makes me happy.

Plus, he’s been sending me new music that I have not heard before, which I’m adding to my new seasonal Spotify playlist that I’ve cleverly called “winter wound”. The music is great, because his taste in music is sublime, and he makes me laugh and he’s clever beyond words and he just makes the world a better more interesting place to be in. When he’s around.

Anyway, I was the one who reached out to him. It felt like the right time and I’m grateful he was receptive. He’s one of my most favorite people in the entire universe and my life is instantly improved with him in it.

So yay for old friends and new discoveries.

Tomorrow I’m finally exchanging gifts with you know who. My friends have taken to calling him Voldemort. we’ll see if something comes up, if he suddenly gets sick or has another commitment, or the pope is coming to visit him, or he has to fix his broken dishwasher, or something equally true and valid.

My presents to him are pretty good. there is a nice mix of thoughtful, homemade, humorous, useful and edible, with a bit of Christa dust sprinkled in. I thought about pushing the boundaries with this gift but then I decided that I’ve humiliated myself enough to last us both several lifetimes and maybe I can just cool the fuck down and be normal.

Well I can never be normal but I can play it cool. So! My new goal is to find patience and settle in for the long game. I think I can do it.

Also go see American fiction immediately.

Also I’m super into this new band, brigitte calls me baby.

also no one in the universe seems to know where the flying fuck my crashed up juke is and I have decided to hire a lawyer because things are getting very messy and complicated and no one is on my side and none of this was my fault and I just need someone to look out for me for once. I’m not playing around anymore.

This is the face of someone NOT PLAYING AROUND ANYMORE.

I’ve had insomnia and sleeping troubles for so long now, I do not think they are going away. I think this is just how it is. Pills and processes and routines and tips and tricks. none of it matters none of it will help, or at least not for long.

It’s almost 3am and I have to wake up soon and instead of sleeping I am looking for a connection to a human that will make me feel real, make me feel like I exist, that I’m not a ghost.

the return on my investment so far? garbage.

But I did good tonight! Sort of! A little! I almost gave him my vulnerability again, almost opened up about how I’m feeling since the accident. I typed it all out and was going to hit send but then I stopped myself.

This is growth. This is progress. This is motherfucking maturity. Look at me! and it’s only day 2 of this new stupid year. I’m crushing it.

I have loafe to discuss my inside-out apathy. Here is where I can be exposed. Talking to him about it will do nothing for me. Well nothing positive. Just more humiliation and ache. He’d likely give me some platitude and then dismiss me and I would be left wishing for a car sized boulder to crush me where I stand. No, bigger. A bulldozer sized boulder.

Maybe it will be nice to be at work tomorrow and it won’t feel like a desolate hellscape. maybe?

Sleep girl. Come on. Close your lousy eyes and just sleep. forget about the picture of his very pretty ex that he casually sent you, and who cares that you cannot possibly compare or compete, and big whoop that you never even stood a chance.

You are a raccoon and raccoons need no one, nothing, just trash and darkness.

Such a stupid stupid foolish idiot.

I read over my messages last night and decided that the best man for me is him? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. He thanked me for being generous and kind and bringing joy to his life, the same man who has repeatedly hurt me, told me I’m too much, the same man that wanted me and then suddenly didn’t want me, that makes plans with me but never follows through, who treats me like I’m disposable, the same man I’ve been obsessing over and trying SO HARD to please. and for what? For a shitty message on New Year’s Eve pointing out all the things I am to him, except important. But ooh ooh! lucky me! he will continue to tolerate me in 2024.

Yes sure he was joking when he said that ha ha he’s so funny. but really? Really he wasn’t. He wasn’t joking. I think I’m in love with a man who merely tolerates me (at best), and the reality of that finally hit me tonight. A real gut punch. Makes me feel ill. He mentioned all these wonderful things I have done for him and in return he lets me do them.

Christa. you big dumb beautiful moron. He doesn’t want you. He never wanted you. You will not change his mind. He is who he is and you deserve someone who won’t shit all over you and tell you it’s precious.

I do this all the time, shun the boys who treat me well and fall at the feet of the ones who kick me. I am a broken person.

But it’s OK. I’m not going to torture myself too much about this. yes I’ve been stupid. but I didn’t get here on my own. he led me. He knew what he was doing. He is very very good at the game. He gave me just enough to keep following, these little crumbs.

I should just be done with him. Leave him in 2023. But I can’t do that. I don’t have the capacity. So I’ll stay friends and try to get over him. because why make my life easier when I can make it complicated and painful and a constant emotional struggle.

I would like to withdraw from all romantic and sexual endeavors for a little while. I won’t, but I would like to.