If you drink a bunch of Diet Coke after midnight and then decide to start a big project and you cover your bed with so much shit that you couldn’t go to sleep even if you wanted to, so then you say fuck it and drink MORE Diet Coke and now you’re in a never ending cycle that you’ll surely regret tomorrow but that’s Future Christa’s problem, not mine. Not mine. My problem right now is that I need more ice.
How many dog toys is too many dog toys?
Oh, if this box was all I had. What is wrong with me.
This isn’t the moment. I don’t need to be in this moment. Make me go to sleep. There’s no one, there’s nothing, just go to bed you dumb whore.
GO TO BED
No how about instead I’ll think of this scene from la la land, its pure perfection. heartbreak isn’t even the right word for this. there is no word, it’s just… the moon turning the oceans and spinning the earth and on we go. On we go and we just go on.
In early spring I put up a hummingbird feeder. There has been exactly zero birds, humming or otherwise, interested in the feeder. Made me kind of sad. But whatever. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make birds drink your frigging red sugar beverage.
But today I saw, for the first time, hummingbirds at my feeder! Two of them. It made me very happy. Because a) it was my bday and b) hummingbirds were my mom’s favorite. So it’s like my mom was wishing me a happy bday, from the great hummingbird feeder in the sky.
I was in a real low place the other night but I’m slightly better tonight. still angry and still sad and still confused but more stable.
This is how it goes though, right? You’re up then down. You have all the attention and then you have none. You have sexy sex times and then you have baggy clothes on the couch watching bob’s burgers times. It’s all in rotation.
Not sure where I’m currently at in the cycle. Kinda horny. Kinda lonely. Kinda bored. Kinda annoyed. Kinda tired. Kinda kind of.
I’ve grown really close to a colleague the past six months. She’s much younger than me, but we have really connected. She’s kind of like the daughter I never had and I’m the mother she always wanted. She’s helped me through some shit and I’ve helped her and she brings a new youthful perspective to my ridiculous life. We are on different journeys in very different phases of our lives but some things in a woman’s life are eternal.
The boys go to MA next week. Normally this is my favorite time of year. Freedom! Quiet! The whole apartment to myself! no one asking what’s for dinner. I’m cleaning up after me and only me. All the smells will be my own. But I’m feeling a little anxious about it. I don’t want them gone. They’re my little crew and having them around is my stable ground. Without them I’m afraid I’m going to float up and away into oblivion.
I love living in Colorado. It’s expensive as fuck but it’s gorgeous. Even pics with my old crappy phone from boring old parking lots seem majestic to me.
A sun setting behind the safety of clouds A sliver of the waxing moon pinned among the shifting shades of dusk
I swear one day I’ll sleep normal. One day. When i am dead.
(Psychos by Jenny Lewis has been the theme song of my life the past 15 months or so.)
