I poop in the potty all the time, where’s my treat?

It’s been a slow and arduous process, but I think we’ve finally cracked the crease, as it were. We broke on through to the other side. The kid has finally begun to poop in the potty. He’s only done it twice so far, yesterday and today, but this is big, folks. Monumental. We’ve bribed him endlessly with promises of toys and cookies and candies, which may very well be suspect parenting, but I don’t give a fuck’s whit anymore.

I won’t go into the details of the poop situation I’ve been dealing with in regards to my three-year-old son, but let’s just say that the sooner he’s dropping those brown babies off at the pool and no longer in a diaper, the safer (and saner) we all become as a family. Because seriously, I do not know how much more I can handle, how many more shitty diapers I can change. These aren’t cute innocent little baby poops or even kind-of-tolerable toddler poops, no, these are practically grown people poops from grown up people food and it’s gross and I hate it.

But there is light, glorious cleansing light, at the end of this shit tunnel. Granted, I’m not particularly thrilled to continue helping him wipe his bum after he does his business, but at least his business is in the toilet, where it’s supposed to be. And soon, very soon, we can stop dumping inordinate amounts of cash on those evil portable waste holders.

At least until we have to start buying more diapers again, whether it’s for a 2nd baby, or for Gordon’s mother. Or both.

haha, have I told you all about my sure to come true nightmare?

It’s funny because it’s true, you see.

Here is what’s going to happen, all because of how much god, the universe, vishnu, allah, jesus, joseph and mary, the whole gamut of religious grand poobahs, hates me. hates me and my baby.

I am going to have a 2nd child, and it will be a boy. Of course it will. Why would it be anything else? So there I am, with my new baby boy, followed by my first baby boy, and rounding out the trifecta of cash and prizes, the biggest baby boy of them all, Captain G. My dream come true, all these boys surrounding me, clamoring and clingy for my lovely lady attention, non-stop, 24/7, love us mommy love us mommy love us mommy, look at our beautiful penises mommy, we love you, we especially love your num-nums, and we love all of you mommy, let us drain every single thing out of you, from milk to energy to passion to patience to essence, all because we love you so much.

While I’m drowning in sweet affliction, er I mean affection, mother-in-law is going to have an old lady stroke. A debilitating one. And she will have to live with us, and I’ll have to take care of her. So think of all the annoying things about mother-in-laws amplified by all the annoyingness of a stroke. That will be my life, three boys and a helpless m.i.l., but not so helpless she can’t still manage to be harridan extraordinaire.

also, how did anything ever get done before computers? how did people eat food? or use the bathroom? or have sex? HOW DID THEY HAVE SEX????

I don’t even want to think about it.

• ← The Coriolis effect
• I’ll show them just how far I can bend →