Let the monsters loose
Ok so I am ready to admit that I am definitely certainly 100% lonely. I don’t need a relationship but I am struggling with the feeling that I am not going to have a connection again with anyone.
It’s ok tho. I like being alone and people exhaust and annoy me to no end. besides, no one appreciates me like I appreciate me.
But I do want someone to like me again. to find me a little thrilling. A little fascinating. a lot sexy. I want their attention and for them to do something romantic and sweet for me that isn’t obnoxious or stupid or sickening or lame. I want someone to care about me in the ways that I care about them. I want to feel taken care of. Is that so terrible and embarrassing? I guess it is but that’s what I am feeling.
Wait though! More important than all of that, you know what I want? I want to feel that feeling again over a guy. A boy who tickles my fancy. A man to get me excited. Someone that I can’t stop thinking about, who makes me want to dote on them, who gets me going, gets me all tingly and goofy and stupid, where I get all dopey and obsessed.
I worry tho. That it doesn’t exist. That no one like that exists for me. Because everyone is so fucking dull. And I mean everyone. “What’s your favorite movies?” Barf. “What kind of foods do you like?” EYE ROLL. “What do you like to do for fun?” Are you fucking kidding me with this.
But I believe that the magic is out there still. That I might be able to find it. I probably won’t but maybe I will? It isn’t IMPOSSIBLE. Weirder things have happened in this world.
I have also decided to embrace a new approach to my life. Instead of always feeling unworthy and like I am not enough, I am going to do the opposite. just blow my way through this next decade as if I AM worthy. As if I am enough. As if I have appeal exactly as I am. That I already AM everything I think I am (or want to be). Cause see, I can choose to conduct myself in whatever manner I see fit. I’m tired of thinking I am second best. Fuck that. I am first best!
I AM FIRST BEST.
That being said, I am going to cancel this date on Saturday, cause I have to just sit with this new approach for a little while longer. I’m not quite ready to conquer the world. I have some more stewing to do, more feeling sad and bad.
I did decide what I was going to do with my 2025 though (besides completely withdrawing from current events and ignoring everything happening around me and treating it all like a bad reality tv show). 2025 isn’t about resolutions and goals. Fuck that noise. It is about revenge. I am making this the year of revenge.
So everybody get ready. (You know who you are.)