Excuse me while I puke for infinity and then jump into a volcano
You would think after 60 years of being a female and interested in men, I would know better. I would be smarter. I would have a firmer grip on reality. I would not get myself into these lousy situations. I would be a calm, confident bad ass bitch.
But nope. Not at all. I’m a dummy and a fool and I keep making the same mistakes over and over. I learn nothing.
I am tired. And I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to think about sex and love and relationships and connection and emotional needs. I don’t want a man. I don’t want a woman. I want to just be alone with my music and my defeat.
But I promise you this. I will forever remain #coolgirl. he won’t see this. He won’t know. This wrenching anguish. Never. No one will. I’ll keep it here, my secret, my life raft, it’s mine, for me.
Both my boys are gone tonight and normally I love this. but tonight, tonight it feels lonely and I have this ache that I don’t want.
Fuck. I need to go to sleep. I feel nauseous. My legs are itchy and twitchy. My brain is a lumpy potato. I don’t think there are any drugs left to get me to the other side. New ones need to be invented.
I ran out of Kleenex and have to use toilet paper which feels appropriate and perfect.
Tomorrow I’ll feel better.