I guess this is just how I am now
I’ve had insomnia and sleeping troubles for so long now, I do not think they are going away. I think this is just how it is. Pills and processes and routines and tips and tricks. none of it matters none of it will help, or at least not for long.
It’s almost 3am and I have to wake up soon and instead of sleeping I am looking for a connection to a human that will make me feel real, make me feel like I exist, that I’m not a ghost.
the return on my investment so far? garbage.
But I did good tonight! Sort of! A little! I almost gave him my vulnerability again, almost opened up about how I’m feeling since the accident. I typed it all out and was going to hit send but then I stopped myself.
This is growth. This is progress. This is motherfucking maturity. Look at me! and it’s only day 2 of this new stupid year. I’m crushing it.
I have loafe to discuss my inside-out apathy. Here is where I can be exposed. Talking to him about it will do nothing for me. Well nothing positive. Just more humiliation and ache. He’d likely give me some platitude and then dismiss me and I would be left wishing for a car sized boulder to crush me where I stand. No, bigger. A bulldozer sized boulder.
Maybe it will be nice to be at work tomorrow and it won’t feel like a desolate hellscape. maybe?
Sleep girl. Come on. Close your lousy eyes and just sleep. forget about the picture of his very pretty ex that he casually sent you, and who cares that you cannot possibly compare or compete, and big whoop that you never even stood a chance.
You are a raccoon and raccoons need no one, nothing, just trash and darkness.