I’m an idiot
Such a stupid stupid foolish idiot.
I read over my messages last night and decided that the best man for me is him? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. He thanked me for being generous and kind and bringing joy to his life, the same man who has repeatedly hurt me, told me I’m too much, the same man that wanted me and then suddenly didn’t want me, that makes plans with me but never follows through, who treats me like I’m disposable, the same man I’ve been obsessing over and trying SO HARD to please. and for what? For a shitty message on New Year’s Eve pointing out all the things I am to him, except important. But ooh ooh! lucky me! he will continue to tolerate me in 2024.
Yes sure he was joking when he said that ha ha he’s so funny. but really? Really he wasn’t. He wasn’t joking. I think I’m in love with a man who merely tolerates me (at best), and the reality of that finally hit me tonight. A real gut punch. Makes me feel ill. He mentioned all these wonderful things I have done for him and in return he lets me do them.
Christa. you big dumb beautiful moron. He doesn’t want you. He never wanted you. You will not change his mind. He is who he is and you deserve someone who won’t shit all over you and tell you it’s precious.
I do this all the time, shun the boys who treat me well and fall at the feet of the ones who kick me. I am a broken person.
But it’s OK. I’m not going to torture myself too much about this. yes I’ve been stupid. but I didn’t get here on my own. he led me. He knew what he was doing. He is very very good at the game. He gave me just enough to keep following, these little crumbs.
I should just be done with him. Leave him in 2023. But I can’t do that. I don’t have the capacity. So I’ll stay friends and try to get over him. because why make my life easier when I can make it complicated and painful and a constant emotional struggle.
I would like to withdraw from all romantic and sexual endeavors for a little while. I won’t, but I would like to.
