do you miss me?

I know it’s been awhile. It isn’t easy to post or even organize my thoughts for a post when I’m living out of a suitcase (well, I don’t actually have any suitcases, it’s more like some boxes and canvas bags) and trying to take care of a very active 1-year-old.

Plus, my lovely little mac isn’t hooked up yet, and I don’t like the idea of making an entry from someone else’s computer. I try to keep my site on the down low as far as family goes. What they don’t know can’t hurt me.

Anyway. I figured it was time for a post. Just gotta make sure I cover my tracks when I’m done. And thanks for the gentle urging, mr. jonathan.

So here we are! Back in Boston. And we’re trying to make things work. You know me…everything is last minute, so we don’t have a place of our own yet. And no jobs. But we have a lot of help. And when I say a lot, I mean a lot.

I don’t mean to sound bitchy or ungrateful, because I am very appreciative of everything that people are doing for us. But I kind of wish everyone would let us be and give us a little breathing room. I feel like bobby brown. why won’t they just let me live? I am certain that everything will fall into place and it will all work out, but I need a little time to get things organized and figure it out, decide what’s going to happen, in my own way.

Gordon’s family is very big on the whole “have a plan” mentality. It works for them. It’s not very christa-friendly though. I guess I’m more of the “in the moment, by the seat of my pants” type of person. I’m not big on planning or making arrangements or preparing for the future or following through or any of that sensible nonsense. This may be good or it may be bad (a bit of both I think) but it’s how I operate. I figure things out as I go along. It’s what works for me. Sometimes it works out better for me than other times. And I’m okay with it. Other people though…well they aren’t so okay with it and it drives them crazy and makes them want to throttle me, I’m sure.

So yes, the adjustment period has been a little shaky. We’re trying to do things our way, they’re trying to do things their way and we’re all sort of meeting in the middle. We’ve been dividing our time between Gordon’s mother and Gordon’s sister, as we try to find an apartment and work.

I did have a job all lined up, ready for me to start as soon as we got here. But Gordon’s mother convinced me not to accept the job. It didn’t pay super great, but it was a job. It was money coming in, something we need very much. It was accessible by the subway (well, with a 20-minute walk, but I could use the exercise, boy could I ever, don’t even get me started there) and it would have been good enough for now. But I didn’t want to get Phyllis mad at me, so I declined the job. And now I’m really regreting it.

I have to stop letting people tell me how to live my life and start listening to myself. I know what is good for me and my family and what will work for us and what won’t. I know what I want and what I don’t want. I’m just too much of a wimp to tell other people that…plus, it’s hard when you’re living under someone else’s roof to not try and appease them.

Phyllis is convinced we cannot afford to live in Boston (and she may very well be right) and wants us to move deeper into western Massachusetts. Therefore any job that I go for should not be in Boston. But all the jobs that I can do and that will pay me a semi-decent wage are in Boston. And for whatever reason, she seems quite certain I can find a job that pays me copious amounts of money, without a degree, out in the boonies. Again, she may be right. I don’t know. Maybe moving into western Mass and finding work there is just what we need, but maybe it isn’t and maybe this is something that Gordon and I need to decide for ourselves, rather than having it decided for us, regardless of who’s house we’re staying in. If they didn’t want us here, they should not have said it was okay for us to be here. I hate feeling obligated to people, and it seems that the more people help us, the more they expect us to do as they wish. But I have to play nice. And don’t get me wrong, I do love Gordon’s family. They aren’t evil, they only want the best for us, and it’s great to be so loved and cared for. We’re very lucky to have what we have.

But what the hell is it with families being so good at laying down the guilt trip? My family, Gordon’s family, it doesn’t matter. They know how to pester you in all the ways that count, until you feel so guilty and horrible about yourself that you’re nothing more than a lump of warm, soft clay in their hands, ready to be shaped into whatever they want. It’s maddening. I hate feeling powerless. And when you have no money, there is little else to feel.

Here’s the thing: school starts in January and the last thing I want to do is end up out in Hicktown without a car or real access to public transporation, in a job that I don’t like and that doesn’t offer me the flexibility to go to school in the spring. Because you know what that will mean? That come spring semester, I won’t have the ability or resources to go back to school. And that is simply unacceptable. I made it this far and I’m not about to let it all go because other people don’t think it’s feasible. This my effing life. And no one else has to live it but me. It’s easy for people to tell you what to do when they aren’t the ones having to do it.

Whew. I sure didn’t mean for this entry to turn into a bitching-moaning-whining episode, but I feel better. I’ve faced adversity much worse than this and I know that in the end, I will do what’s right and best and everything will work out. It always does. When people aren’t telling me otherwise, I am confident and secure in myself. Really. It’s true. I think so anyway. I don’t know. Maybe not.

And besides, there is some good news. The sequel to Katamari Damacy is out today (We Love Katamari). I’m going to roll you up into my life!

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