Oh holy night
For the first time ever, I spent Christmas Eve as I wanted: on my own, in my own place, with no one else bothering me, drinking my Christmas cocktail and wrapping presents for my sleeping children. It sounds boring. But it was warm and quiet and perfect. Something I’ve wanted for so long. It seemed impossible, this moment. I didn’t think I’d ever get here.
But I did. I fucking did.
Slow and steady wins the race, right? My journey so far has definitely been slow, definitely not steady. Sometimes I was lazy, sometimes motivated. I had successes but I also failed. a lot. But I did do some things right. I stopped making it a race for one.
But even bigger: I stopped letting other people’s choices become my responsibility, my narrative, my burden. This was hard. It continues to be a daily struggle. It is getting easier though. Not caring what people think about my life and my choices has been key. But also letting them own THEIR choices, not making it my problem to solve/fix/feel guilty about… This has been even more important. The life changing magic of not giving a fuck.
Why it takes so long to get here, why all my youth had to be eaten away to get some strength, clarity and confidence, is a real punch in the tits. But it is what it is.
I love the calm cool dark of winter solstice, Yuletide, Christmas…