merry christamas

it’s that day and loafe wishes everyone a merry merry christamas. cause no matter your beliefs, you can all celebrate christamas.

employed now?

So I think I may have a job. But I am not entirely sure. I haven’t received a firm offer but the guy keeps sending me projects to do. We’ll see what happens. It’s in the magazine industry so that’s a plus!

Ry is officially 4 months old now. Holy crap! He’s getting so big and he loves to play and laugh and chew on his fingers and flirt with the girls. I really should post some new pictures up. Maybe later today.

I might change the look of loafe. It’s been this same old boring blue for a year now. This place could use a little sprucing up, no?

winter solstice.

It’s that time of year again and if I haven’t already said it, I’ll say it again. Boy am in the holiday spirit. It must be because of Ry. He’s made everything in my life brighter and better. It feels so good to have my own family, to know that I’m building the sort of memories and traditions that I have right now, with my family. I’m making that foundation for Ry. It feels so freaking cool. I’ll stop and think and imagine years down the line, when my son will come home for christamas and bring his girlfriend/wife/boyfriend/husband and we’ll laugh and talk and drink and remember past holidays and be all jolly and merry together.

I just am so in love with that idea, which is probably a bad thing because if it doesn’t happen I’ll be devastated and by stating my desire for it now I’m undoubtedly jinxing it.

So I’m not religious and I still do the whole christmas thing, because that’s how it goes. And I was all worried about what to do with Ry regarding this particular holiday. I certainly don’t want to instill in him this sense of materialistic expectation, but it’s fun to give and get presents and you try telling my family that we’re not going to do the whole christmas thing. They already think I’m a weird enough person and a weird enough parent. Tell them I’m nixing the santa/christmas deal and I’m sure they’ll have me locked up.

Anyway, like I was saying, I’m not religious. But I do have spiritual beliefs and I want to give Ry some of that spirituality. And there is just something so perfect and comforting about this time of year, as if the cooler air somehow thins the barriers between worlds and waves, dimension and time. I want this to be special for him, for us. So when I read about what my friend Marianne is doing, I felt so much better. We’ll call christmas christamas, which of course we should all be doing already, and we’ll do winter solstice and I’ll teach Ry about being spiritual and how to blend it in with the way the rest of the world celebrates. It’s perfect!

He’s still just a little baby right now so if I don’t get it quite right this year, it will be okay.

By the way, if I could marry Marianne, I would. She’s quite seriously the most influential person in my life and her depths, complexity and intelligence surprise me every single day. But I have to say, it really upsets me how my family (and probably most everyone else who knows us) thinks that I worship her and follow her every word and do anything and everything she says. They give me no credit, like I don’t have my own mind and my own choices and am smart enough and strong enough to think for myself and come to my own conclusions. I happily admit that she is a positive influence and strong and steady force in my life, but people should be thankful and happy that I have someone so in tune with the world looking out for me. But I know this so that’s all that matters.

This time last year I was busy making Ry. I had no idea how my life was about to change so dramatically, no clue as to what was happening inside me and what my body was preparing to do. So many changes over so little time... It’s a little scary and a lot seductive.

analyze me.

Okay, so I had some more weird dreams last night and this time I remember them. Well, two of them anyway. I’m going to describe them and if any of you are smart about these things, maybe you can help me figure out what they mean.

First dream: G and I were driving to Ry’s doctor appointment to get his next set of immunizations. We had to stop for gas or something, so we pulled into this parking lot. I got out and went to look for something behind a building and G stayed with the car. He did something to upset this guy, either bumped into him or touched his car or something, I can’t remember. Anyway, this guy got really crazy about it and he came over and started punching and kicking G, who was in the backseat, sitting with the baby. I see this happening so I run over and start hitting the guy and pulling him out of the car. I grabbed him and pushed him to the ground, yelling at him. Then we got in the car and started driving away. I realized I forgot Ry’s diaper bag behind the building, and suddenly there was this little girl with us, about 10 years old, a girl we knew. So she got out of the car and ran to the building to get the bag. And the guy started chasing her and we were screaming for her to hurry up and I was freaking out, so mad that I had forgotten the bag and worried for the girl, but she managed to get the bag and dove back in the car and we sped off, to Ry’s appointment. That was basically the end of the dream.

The 2nd dream is a little weirder and there are big parts I don’t remember, but what I recall is that I’m on this air/space ship with a bunch of people and we’re all on different levels of the ship. I’m on the top level, which is this sort of cramped little area that looks down at the next level through some metal beams. We’re flying through space and I’m looking out at the black sky littered with stars. It’s really cool and amazing. Then the ship lands and we all slip out from the top level and get out of the ship. We’ve landed onto this world that seems similar to earth, but is quite different. There is no blue sky, but we’re standing in this big long field and the grass is really green and fresh and I lay down the ground and start smelling the grass and rolling around and breathing in the clean air, ecstatic about how perfect and fresh it is. And everyone is getting off the ship (which is also sort of like a subway car) and looking around in amazement. Everything is much brighter and crisper in this world, even though the sky is still that black space with lots of stars all around us. We all eventually head off to the movie theater, lined up along the grassy field, along with some other buildings.

So there you go. That’s what I remember.

By the way, when I say I’m bored with loafe, it doesn’t mean that I’m DONE with loafe. Just that I’m bored with it right now. I get bored with TV as well, but I’m certainly not about to cast that off into the dark dark night, am I? No.

Speaking of TV, I hope you’re all watching Arrested Development. I didn’t think it was possible to live up to last season, but they are doing a bang-up job. If they cancel this show, I’m blaming it on you. Do you really want that burden? Being responsible for killing my happiness? I didn’t think so.

1-2-3-14.

I really don’t have much to say these days. maybe I am bored with loafe.

I might have a lead on a job that I can work from home! Oh I hope it isn’t a shady job and that I get it and that it all works out. please please please.

Hey I am in the holiday spirit. I’ve been having lots of fun singing christmas songs to ryland, even the jesus ones.

also: men are a big suck.

Okkervil River.

I discovered a new band recently and I downloaded some free mp3s from their site. I am completely and totally enamored with them. If I had any extra money, I’d buy all their music. For now, I’m forced to be content with the half dozen or so free songs.

I’m going to pretend I wrote the lyrics and that I’m starring in their music videos. Then I’m going to bed.