Ryland stuff.

If you are interested in watching a short 30-sec video or two of Ryland (no sound) then you may find it here. He is probably going to kill you, or at least severely wound you, with his cuteness, so be prepared.

I finally got him to go to sleep and I am a zombie, so off to bed I go.

toys for grownups.

Today I went to a women’s party where products for erotic pleasure were available for purchase. You know, toys and stuff. For women and their partners. It was very interesting. I have never been to such a thing and I felt both empowered and a little uncomfortable. But everyone there was very relaxed and at ease with the whole thing so that made it easier.

I bought two items. I bought ben wa balls for me (ben wa balls are to strengthen your kegel muscles, which really take a beating during pregnancy and delivery) and this weird stretchy thing called glo-mouth for Gordon. Glo-mouth slides over the penis to enhance the sensations during handjobs and masturbation. Oh, and I also bought really expensive lube for Gordon to use, because you need lots of it when using the glo-mouth thing.

I figure if I gave him that, he might leave me alone for awhile. My sexual interest in Gordon = 0.

The minute we got home, he wanted to try it. Boys are so silly. Sex sex sex all the time. He was thinking about it the whole drive home and was dying for the baby to fall asleep so he could give it a whirl. He enjoyed it, I’ll say that much. Now the pressure is off of me. When he starts bugging me, I’ll hand him the lube and mr. glo and send him off to the bedroom, “have a good time, don’t hurry back!”

There used to be a time when I felt good about sex. When things like vibrators and porn and sexy stuff was enjoyable to me and I didn’t feel all creeped out and weird about it. It wasn’t that long ago, but I can’t remember what it feels like. Why did I go from liking that stuff to this? It isn’t just the pregnancy and baby thing; I was feeling pretty crummy about it long before that.

Man I really need to get myself a hobby.

who to talk to?

I’m so glad that I have loafe, because it provides an opportunity for me to talk about all the things bothering me and on my mind. But sometimes, you need more than just a one-sided outlet. You need someone to talk back, to give you perspective, to say a few reassuring words. You need a human response.

Right now I am having issues with Gordon, and I could really use some good advice, or at least an understanding ear. But when it comes to Gordon...well, things are a little tricky. He has done some things to justifiably draw the ire of my friends, because they love me and only want the best for me. Some of the things Gordon has done aren’t the actions of their ideal guy for me. Thankfully, things are starting to get better now and relationships are being formed and/or mended. So I am afraid anything I say about him now will ruin our progress and give fuel to the fire, creating more discord between all of us. And I don’t want that.

I will say this. How do you know the difference between being supportive and giving unconditional love to someone and just being a fool, letting someone break your trust over and over again? I feel like maybe I’m being dragged down into a situation that is nearly impossible to extract myself from; but of all my options, I always seem to come out the loser, no matter what I choose.

I guess at this point it’s about sacrifice. What I am willing to give up and what I am willing to not give up. I want to make things work, but I don’t know how to fix the broken parts and I am tired of trying.

I have Ryland now and in the end, that’s all that matters. It’s just hard though. To feel so happy and fulfilled on one hand and so incredibly lonely and disappointed on the other.

bleah.

I’m not feeling all that attractive lately. I didn’t care when I was pregnant, but now that the baby is here, I am becoming increasingly aware of it. It’s depressing and I don’t like it. I can’t remember the last time a guy flirted with me. What makes it even worse is that I feel bad for feeling bad about not getting a lot of opposite sex attention. Like, how lame am I for caring whether or not people flirt with me. But I can’t help it. I don’t think it’s wrong to want other people to notice you, but I don’t think it’s something I should be concerned with, even though it is, which makes me feel like an insecure loser. It’s all a vicious cycle that I don’t know how to break.

I need to start getting back to the gym is what I need to do.

stupid avril.

She has this very annoying song out right now and damn if it isn’t permanently embedded into my brain. I will walk off a cliff when I unwittingly start singing it to Ryland.

I’m losing my internet connection again. Only for two days though, starting today (wed). I will have it back on Friday, though.

Ryland was a month old on Sunday. It feels very strange to me. He’s been with me for 34 days. 34 days of motherhood under my belt and already I feel like a pro. I’ve only taken about a billion pictures. All Ryland will remember of his early days is a flash.

I am almost finally done with the birth announcements. He’ll be graduating from college by the time I get them out.

Oohh! The last book in the Dark Tower series came out today. I bought it but I haven’t started reading it. Marianne and I have both decided that we need to savor this book and take our time, reading it when we have quiet, uninterrupted moments. It’s hard though, I am ready to devour it right this second. The last book! I’ve only been waiting for this moment my entire life. But I will be patient and good and let each word roll around on my tongue as long as it wants. I will not waste this.

A Loafe List.

Yay! A list! After all these years.

Shows I Hate Hate Hate and Are On Endless Rotation, Due to the Great Power of Syndication, Just to Torture My Sleep Deprived Brain:
-family matters
-home improvement
-full house
-becker
-the district*
-fresh prince of bel air
-married with children
-access hollywood
-entertainment tonight
-extra
-extreme dating
-blind date
-elimidate
-yes dear
-the nanny
-west wing
-street smarts
-fear factor
-matlock
-all those judge/court programs
-celebrity justice
-just about everything on E!

Listing TV shows I hate is a fruitless endeavor I don’t know why I do it. TV is a fruitless endeavor I don’t know why I watch it.

And syndication, you wicked wicked beast, I curse you and adore you. You give me my Simpsons and my Seinfeld and you kill me with 7th Heaven, over and over and over again.

And can I ask why they are STILL airing Suddenly Susan? I’m not kidding folks. Just because it’s at the ungodly hour of 2am and it’s on Lifetime does not make it right. We of the 2am crowd deserve better. I am raising and nuturing our future, and as he suckles my teat, I am left to endure Brooke effing Shields? Why does the world hate me so.

Speaking of the suckler, Ryland was four weeks old yesterday. Four weeks! egads. He’s getting too big too fast. They weren’t kidding when they said this time goes by quick.

I can’t go for 30 seconds without talking about my baby. How sad. What has become of me, Vera.

what has become of me.

You know, I used to be annoyed with gwyneth paltrow, but lately I’ve been a bit smitten. She’s been doing lots of press for that new movie of hers and when she talks about her daughter and being a mother, it’s very sweet. She says so much of the same things I am feeling and experiencing. It’s really cool. She’s totally my friend.

I need to learn some good baby songs to sing to my boy. Does anyone know of a good resource (re: free) to learn good happy fun baby songs? I know a few songs, but only in a lame half-assed way. I make up a lot of songs, but they’re very stupid and I think Ryland is beginning to suspect something about his mother.

* I had no idea this show even existed until I saw the reruns on USA or whatever channel it’s on. I didn’t actually WATCH the show, because honestly...it has craig t. nelson in it. craig t. nelson. honestly.

Cute outfits.

Baby girls definitely have the market cornered on cute outfits. But Gordon has refused to let me dress Ryland in girl clothes, even though I think he would look absolutely adorable. Men have such hang-ups, sheesh.

I love getting gifts. I do, I love it. And I love getting gifts for Ryland. Especially from strangers. It makes me feel that much more special.

Here is my sugarball in a very very cute outfit from a very very pretty and sweet girl named Amanda. I don’t know Amanda but I have it on good word that she’s the sort of girl that I would want to share a lesbian experience with and who am I to argue with that?

Anyway, Amanda recently sent me an outfit, out of the blue, without ever having met me, out of the goodness of her heart, and couldn’t you just die at how sweet that is? So Ryland and I lovingly and loafingly thank Amanda and give her a big hug for being so nice. I am kidding about the lesbian thing, but Amanda is a swell girl and I wish she had a web site or something I could link to, but unlike some people, she’s actually cool and therefore has a life outside of the computer/internet.

I also hear she’s effortlessly skinny and gorgeous, ergo I hate her.

it's over.

I lost my free internet. it was nice while it lasted, but we knew it couldn’t go on forever. nothing golden stays.

I was sans-access for a few days and I’m now currently piggybacking on my neighbor’s connection but he’s moving out in a week, so I better figure something else out.

Tonight, with great sadness, I watched the last bit of pro hockey for a very long time. I’m happy Canada won the World Cup, but I am upset with the whole crazy NHL/CBA mess, from the players to the league to the owners. They’re all a bunch of children.

television, new babies and music.

Since Ryland was born, you wouldn’t believe the amount of television I’ve watched. There isn’t a heck of a whole lot to do all day and all night long when you’re feeding and rocking and playing and talking with a baby. It’s hard to read or concentrate on much of anything these days. I tend to nod off to sleep every spare second I have and TV makes that much easier. I also use it to keep me company. It’s just me and Ryland most of the time and as much as I love the kid, his conversational skills are a bit lacking. It makes me feel better to have the TV on, like I am less alone. This whole week, Spike has had a CSI marathon. Constant episodes of the show. I had never seen it before, so I started watching it and now I’m crazy addicted to it.

I’ve also started watching reruns of Roseanne on Nick at Nite. That show was really funny.

Let’s see, what else do I watch? A lot of shows in syndication, a lot of Discovery Health and TLC and loads of stupid shows and movies no person should ever have to sit through. But what can you do. When it’s 3am and you’re breastfeeding, your options are limited. My friend Gina, who also just had a baby, suggested I start renting tons of movies and I think she’s on to something. Of course, she probably has a decent hi-fi setup.

I wish I had a big gorgeous TV and satellite and TiVo and surround sound and all that fancy stuff. I have a crappy TV that makes everything 10 times darker than it should be, lousy basic cable with stations that don’t come in very well, and my DVD player is the playstation, which has tremendously terrible sound. But it’s all free, so I should just shut up already and be happy for what I have. Still, a girl can wish, can’t she?

What else can I bitch about? Oh, I know. The appalling lack of electronic music here in Tucson. I’m not surprised, but it’s still very disappointing: the record stores here have the weakest electronica sections I’ve ever seen (if they even have an electronic music section at all); no good DJs come to this neck of the woods EVER; and you’d be hard pressed to find a club that actually plays decent trance, not just those cheesy hybrid concoctions of dance and pop that most people consider “dance” music. I really miss Avalon in Boston. I’ve been looking at their calendar and I’m missing some great shows. And Wilco will be playing three Boston-area shows this fall. THREE! So far, the closest Wilco show to Tucson is in Los Angeles. The music industry hates Tucson, hates me and hates my baby.

Not that I have the time or the opportunity to be out and about and going to shows. So I guess I should be happy.

God am I tired. I maybe might be dead, I’m not too sure. My eyeballs are like two rocks wrapped in sandpaper. It amazes me that I’m able to function on three hours of sleep. That’s just about what I average a day. Yesterday I drove to my breastfeeding support group and I found myself drifting off at a red light. That freaked me out and kept me awake, but I should probably avoid driving right now.

pictures!

Here are a few pictures of my little turtlebug. They are in no particular order and the age ranges from day 3 to 2 weeks old (which was Thursday). You might die from the cuteness.

I suppose it’s time for me to start thinking about losing this baby weight, getting back to the gym on a regular basis. I can’t go on a diet, because I’m breastfeeding and I need all the calories I can get, but I can start working out like before the pregnancy. Strangely, I miss it. Exercising is a pain in my ass, but I like it.

But jeez louise. I thought I was soft and flabby before? Having a baby really does a number on the body. It’s totally worth it, but I’ve got my work cut out for me. I like a good challenge and this is a big one. I want to look better than I ever did before I was pregnant, which really isn’t as difficult as it sounds. I wasn’t looking that great pre-pregnancy.

Too bad you don’t get an amazing body for being supremely lazy, because then I’d be a knockout.

I mean, I AM a knockout, but only by Christa standards and we all know how low those are.

Two weeks.

Happy birthday to my little turtlebug. Ryland is two weeks old today! (today being thursday.)

Tomorrow, September 3rd, was my due date. It’s a weird feeling for me, to look at these past two weeks, knowing he could have still been inside me the whole time.

I’ve come to the conclusion that the reason Ryland came two weeks before his due date was because he knew that if he got much bigger, he wouldn’t fit and he understood how important it was to avoid a c-section.

He was such a fussburger last night though, jesus. I think he had a little baby tummy ache. He didn’t sleep, all he wanted was to be held and walked around. It was his first really restless night. Normally he wakes up, eats and goes back to sleep. I was dead exhausted and I got a wee bit frustrated with him. I kept falling asleep when he nursed and I wished for some fairy godmother to float in and take care of him for me so I could get some sleep. But we managed to get through it and he is doing much better tonight.

ooh, his umbilical cord fell off yesterday. Like the big dork I am, I saved it. I’m sure I’ll throw it away soon, but for now I want to keep it. It seems like such a big milestone. No more cord. It really does signal the end of the pregnancy.

I’ll admit to feeling a deep sadness, even grief, that my pregnancy is over. When I first came home, I couldn’t even look at a pregnant woman or watch any of those baby shows on TV without completely losing it. And visiting the hospital for the first time? Boy, that was really difficult for me. I so wanted to still be pregnant and still have to go through the labor and delivery. I didn’t want it to be over.

And those feelings made me feel very guilty and bad, that it somehow meant I wasn’t happy that Ryland was here finally. That had nothing at all to do with it. Thank goddess I have Marianne, I talked about it with her and she really had some insightful and comforting things to say.

She helped me understand that because motherhood causes such sweeping, fundamental changes in who I am and how I see myself, I am now mourning not just the loss of pregnancy and childbirth, but the loss of the self I was before I became a mother. And she reminded me not to get too wrapped up in these feelings and let it take away from enjoying Ryland in these early weeks, because they go by so fast. He will never be this little again. And she’s right. Already he’s at two weeks and he’s changing every single day, every single minute, and I am reeling at how quickly the time goes by. I spend every single moment with him yet it doesn’t seem like it’s enough. Already I miss these early days.

I can’t believe how consumed I am with Ryland. I can’t even call it love, love seems like such a stupid useless word for what I feel, love is what you have for objects and places, but not this, not this deep burning fire radiating from every inch of me, love can’t even begin to encompass that. He’s completely taken over my mind, my body and my soul and I couldn’t be happier.