stupid me.

Okay, so apparently I banned all users from posting comments on my site.

haha. I blame it on being crazy with babyitis.

It’s fixed now. yay for me.

uh-oh. baby is fussing, gotta go...

what the hell.

I go away for a few days to have a baby and suddenly the world stops posting comments on my site?

Even the stupid SPAM posting people have stopped.

Jeez, is motherhood that bad? That I can’t even get an online porn or penis enlargement ad anymore?

I fully expected the world to be commenting and congratulating me on my beautiful baby. sheesh.

loafe cries.

One Week Old

It feels pretty crazy, but the baby is one week old today.

ONE WEEK!!

happy birthday my little ry-guy!

I can’t believe I was giving birth just seven days ago. insane.

I am completely, utterly obsessed with him. A more perfect baby could not exist.

You know, when I first got back to Tucson, I felt sad. Issues with my family, no job, not a lot of money, all the stress of moving and adjusting to a new life. I truly believed I had made the wrong decision to have him here. All I thought was I should have stayed in Boston.

But after giving birth, I realized I made the right choice. Being here with my friends and my family and the quality of care I’ve received from my doctors and the hospital...well, I couldn’t have asked for more. I should learn to trust myself. I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and relive the entire experience.

At long last...

On August 19th, at 8:41pm Tucson time, the most precious baby in all the wide world finally made his appearance.

My sweet little pumpkin was born Thursday night, weighing an adorable 7lbs and measuring a lovely 19 inches. For pictures you can visit him here. The password for access is madrid.

Although he came two weeks before my due date, he is a full-term baby, albeit a small one. I guess he was ready to see me before I was ready! I was in the early stages of labor all day and night on Wednesday, but I just couldn’t believe it; I thought I just had really bad constipation! What a dork I am.

I won’t go into any great detail about the labor right now, because I am tired and Ryland is starting to stir, but I will say this much: it was hard and it hurt and it took a lot out of me, even with the epidural. But it was the single most rewarding, fulfilling and beautiful experience of my life and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Giving birth is just so unbelievable, so overwhelming, so empowering that I don’t think I could ever describe it in the right words. I feel so different now, completely disconnected from the person I was before. I feel proud and elated and happy.

It’s funny, because I believe now that everything that has occurred in my life, every good thing, every bad thing, every seemingly inconsequential thing, were all leading me to this very moment, where I have Ryland. He is the sweetest most perfect thing I can imagine and I wonder what I did to deserve him.

I look at him and there is so much love in me, it hurts. It hurts me, I love him so much. I am terrified because now he isn’t safe inside me, he’s out in the world and we all know how cruel this place can be, and I can only do so much to protect him.

I wish I could relive the pregnancy and the labor and birth over and over again.

There is so much more I need to say about this, but the little one is ready for some grub.

By the way, each one of my breasts weighs more than he does.

yahoo.com

I haven’t had internet access for so long now that I’ve forgotten what I like to do and where I like to visit. All I keep doing is going to yahoo and then sitting there staring at the screen.

what is wrong with me?

and now that I have anytime access to my email, no one ever writes me. HELLO don’t you people know I am sitting around doing nothing?

Christa vs. Mother

I’m sure that I’m not the first woman worried that she is going to become someone else now that she’s about to have a baby.

I could have found a better way to word that sentence.

My point is that for 30 years now, I’ve been CJM. My one role in life was to be her. It was my only responsibility. Sometimes I was very good at it and sometimes I was very bad at it.

But now...well, now everything is different. Now I am Mother. I don’t want to lose being Christa, but I am very aware that there are many parts of her that I can’t keep, that I have to let go, because otherwise there would be too much incongruence. I just hope that I don’t change too much, cause I kind of like who I am. I am convinced that being a mother will make be a better Christa, a kinder, gentler, happier and saner Christa, but I don’t want to get too gentle or too kind or too sane.

Being a mother will be just another facet to my identity, albeit an amazing one. I just don’t want to be defined by motherhood. I know it happens, I’ve done it myself in the past to other people, as if being a mom is the only thing a person can be, as if all other aspects of her personality cease to exist with the arrival of a baby. Still, I can think of nothing else that has made me feel as complete and whole as this pregnancy.

I went shopping last night and bought a lot of baby things that I need. Then I brought it all home and opened it up and looked at it and smelled it and held it and it FREAKS ME OUT that this stuff is all mine. For MY baby. Who will be hopping down the bunny trail very soon now. I am taking all of this one day at a time because if I think about it too much my brain hurts. But despite my worries and fears, I am aware of something and it comforts. For all my years walking this world, I know that the universe isn’t going to give me more than I can handle.

I’m thinking about doing a really cheesy sappy thing and writing my baby a letter to put in his baby box for when he gets older. It’s lame, I know, but I still think I’m going to do it.

It really bothers me that one of my favoritest rolling stones songs is in a coke commercial. I really don’t think the stones were thinking about lower-carb soda when they wrote You Can't Always Get What You Want. And if they were, well may the sun have pity on us all.

Currently playing: Lady by Little River Band. God DAMN if I don’t love this effing song. Next up: Danny’s Song (Loggins and Messina). I sing it to Ryland all the time and think of his daddy, because damn if those boys aren’t lucky to have me.

A few good things.

You will all be glad to know I had a very nice weekend.

On Saturday was my baby shower and I had a great time. All my friends were there and everyone was super nice and I had great food and they made me a very cute cake. Everyone really went all out to make sure the day was special for me and I got tons of great gifts. It was awesome. I have the greatest friends in the world. People took lots of pictures, so if I get any maybe I?ll share them. It really was a fabulous day and it feels good to be so loved. I hope everyone else enjoyed themselves, but it doesn?t really matter, cause it was MY DAY not theirs. Ha ha.

I also got internet access this weekend, high speed internet access. And it is free, to make it even sweeter. I love free. Now I can internet away to my heart’s content and all from the comfort of my own home.

On Friday, I had an OB appointment and my doctor did an internal exam and told me I was 2 cm dilated and 80% effaced (effacement is the thinning of the cervix). I am not in active labor yet, but she told me I could go at any time. So who knows when this baby will come. I haven’t felt any contractions. I may have this baby in a few days or in three weeks, who knows. But I’ll tell you this much, it’s freaking me out.

After I’m done being pregnant, I don’t get to go back to the way I was before, back to my normal life. And the only way out of this whole pregnancy thing is to have this baby. And after that, then there will actually be a little tiny baby in my arms. For the rest of my entire life. It’s scary and intimidating. And exciting as all hell. But damn if it doesn’t bend my mind.

I am both happy and sad to no longer be pregnant. I’ve really liked being pregnant, even the bad parts and the uncomfortable parts. Pregnancy is such a surreal experience. You only get one first pregnancy. And when it’s over, it’s over.

So to recap: I had a terrific baby shower, I finally have high speed internet at my house and I’m 2 cm dilated.

I apologize now for the boring entry. Expect more of the same.

presents for me!

This Saturday is my baby shower and I am very excited. I have to tell you, loafe. I really love being the center of attention and getting gifts and eating cake and laughing with girls and having people talk all about me and my baby.

I am going to be sad when this is over, because all this lovely pregnancy attention will be pulled away and given to the baby. He deserves it, but after 9 months of everyone being concerned with me, it will be an adjustment. I suppose I will be too tired to care. Some of you make sure to send a little christa lovin’ my way, so I don’t feel too bad, okay?

I should finally have internet access at my house after Sunday. Aren’t you just delighted to pieces, because I certainly am. Happiness is a warm gun? Hardly. Happiness is a broadband internet connection.

I am sorry.

I haven’t been around much lately. And for that I am truly sorry.

The lack of loafing and loving is really getting me down. I hate not having internet at my house, but I am going to rectify that situation soon. I may be poor, but I don’t need to live in the dark ages, do I? DO I?

I think not.

Only around four or so more weeks left. I am starting to feel ready to have this baby. I am uncomfortable about 83 hours of the day and I’d give my right leg to be able to sleep on my stomach again and last more than an hour without peeing.

This is a boring entry and I should have come up with something better after my absence, but I am tired and sticky and sitting here is making my body hurt, so you will all have to wait. I have some things on my mind though, so stay tuned!