crazy whoremoans.

hahaha! get it? I said whoremoans instead of horomones. I am so funny.

Anyway, I am feeling much better today than I was the other day. Despite the fact that I am unbelievably hot and sticky and tired and a little bit constipated. Everything is gonna work out just fine and I need to just remind myself there is a reason why I ended up back in Tucson. Right? Right.

I really don’t like being constipated though.

You know, even before I was pregnant, my vagina was always pretty warm. That area just radiates heat, which I suppose is a good thing. But ever since I got pregnant, my crotch has gone from being merely warm to the hot fiery burning core of the earth. I expect to start bubbling over with hot magma anytime now. I am not sure if this is normal pregnancy behavior or what, but I do know that if you’re not careful I could burn you with my Hot Crotch.

You’d think I’d have something else to talk about besides being pregnant, wouldn’t you? But you’re wrong. I have nothing else to talk about. Nothing. My life pretty much consists of me reading pregnancy books, thinking about the baby, rubbing my belly, remembering the past 7 months of pregnancy, pondering labor, reading yet more baby books and magazines, watching baby shows on TV, looking for people to listen to me talk about my pregnancy, dreaming about babies and moaning and complaining about how uncomfortable I am. It sound incredibly boring and annoying, but I like it. I do wish I had more unemployed friends who would hang out with me during the day and go to the movies with me and basically find ways to entertain me. All this baby/pregnancy obsession can’t possibly be healthy.

Brian Rolston

You’ve gotta be kidding me. The Bruins let Rolston go, too?

What the hell. I leave MA for a few months and all hell breaks loose.

Screw mornings.

If any of you are wondering why I am posting at 7:00am, well, it’s because I have a crappy life.

Anyway.

So, the Big Day is done and over and passed without fanfare, pomp, circumstance or any of those things. Very uneventful. I did nothing special. In fact, I did what could probably be described as the exact opposite of special. And it didn’t really bother me at all. Which is pretty depressing I guess. I mean, you only turn 30 once and I had wanted to make it nice, make it memorable, just to have that, you know? I always let the big moments in life pass me by. But then the day came and I just sort of felt indifferent to it all. What’s even more depressing is that I don’t even care that I didn’t do anything fantastic.

So I guess it bothered me a little, but I think what I’m feeling is grief over my 20s and all the wasted opportunities and all my fuck-ups and bad choices. I need to get together with Marianne and she needs to guide me to some spiritual enlightenment, because I need it real bad.

I am going to briefly examine my two most recent bad choices: a) moving back to Arizona and b) choosing Tucson over Phoenix. I should have stayed in Boston. What I was expecting to happen here and what actually transpired are miles apart. I suppose the only way of knowing this outcome was to actually come here and experience it, but it’s still very disappointing. And even though I hate Phoenix, I probably would have been able to find a good job and a place to live and been far away enough from my parents to be okay. And I would have been close to Marianne and she is so good for my soul that I wonder why I don’t just chop her into pieces and eat her.

I’ve seriously enjoyed my friends though. Those are some good people. They’ve kept me sane and together and hopeful. But I gotta admit, it’s not easy to stay cheerful and optimistic and happy around them, which is what I am trying very hard to do, because who wants to hang out with a depressed whiny pregnant woman? And I am tired of putting them out all the time, asking them for help, bothering them, screwing up their routines. I really hate relying on other people.

I was finally starting to feel okay in Boston. Can a place really make a person depressed? Can being back in Tucson, back in this house, back around my parents, make me depressed? Or was the depression just hiding around back there in my head, waiting for me to notice it again?

I don’t know, but I do know that I refuse to let depression take over my life again. I refuse. It can put on all the pretty party dresses it wants and waltz all over the room showing off its panties, but I am not going to give in. No. Unless they’re purple panties. I am a sucker for purple panties.

In happier news, I finally have something to outshine my breasts: my huge belly. My breasts look tiny in comparison.

happy lousy birthday to me.

Yesterday was the last day of my 20s. Sigh. It wasn’t even anything great.

I am now 30. I should have shrouded loafe all in black, but honestly I don’t feel different or look different (okay I look and feel fatter, but I think that has more to do with the baby than my age) and I am not feeling that depressed. So there you go.

Also, I think that maybe perhaps my friend Gina is in labor. I can’t find her stupid phone number, but I AM SO EXCITED.

I love babies and pregnant women!!

the baby inside us all.

As promised, here are links to a few of the ultrasound pictures I got last week.

Ryland 1
Ryland 2
Ryland 3

You will love them. How could you not? My baby is so cute. I can hardly wait to see him. I wish I could just go to sleep one night and then wake up the next morning and there he is!

Also, don’t even get me started on how annoyed I am that Boston let Mike Knuble go. DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED. Fuck the Bruins.

making the baby jesus cry.

So even though I don't work at AEI anymore, my old boss is being the most awesome guy in the whole wide world. I know it's just the hormones but everything these days makes me cry. I got a very nice email from Mark and it just kills me. WHY IS EVERYONE SO NICE TO ME? I don't deserve it. I cry, I cry and the baby jesus cries and we all cry.

I am very thankful for my new place and that it has the most beautiful and delicious air conditioning in the whole wide world. I know it's just the hormones but everything these days makes me cry. In this humid monsoon weather right now, the a/c makes for a very happy christa. I cry and the baby jesus cries and the a/c cries and all of tucson cries.

I got the cutest ultrasound pictures in the history of ultrasound pictures. I have to scan them and then burn them to a CD and then bring them to a computer with internet access so I can post them. It's all a big hassle, but I'll do it, I promise. Because these pictures are too cute not to be adored and loved.

I also had my first childbirth preparation class over the weekend. It was interesting, not as lame as I thought it might be and I learned some new things. Then we watched The Video. I've been watching a lot of those baby shows on TV lately, and they show women giving birth, but everything is mostly blocked and you don't see much. It looks painful I guess, but mostly it seems like an okay experience. But The Video was not edited or blurred out in any way and we watched a woman push a baby out of her vagina. I used to be scared of turning 30. Now I am scared of turning 30 AND of pushing this lousy baby out of my tiny sweet small little vagina hole. I watched as this black hairy gooey bloody head pushed its way through the hole, and the lips kept getting stretched, bigger and biggger, and I had to bite my tongue to keep from screaming out, because OH MY GOD IT WILL HURT SO MUCH.

Along with the baby, all sorts of strange fluids and substances came out as well. Very unpleasant looking stuff. Then, after the baby, you still aren't done. Next up is the placenta, which has to come out of that same little vagina. While the word Placenta may sound nice, like a sweet alcoholic drink or a fancy beach resort maybe, nothing could be further than the truth. The good news, I am told, is that after the baby, the placenta is no big deal. It doesn't hurt and it is pliable and easy. It is also very gross.

And then of course they showed the baby and the mother meeting for the first time and I practically started bawling. Those childbirth-video-making people sure do know how to rollercoaster your emotions. sheesh louise.

Okay, so in a week I'll be turning 30. Feel free to browse my amazon.com wish list or just send me cash. And while we all know that I'm turning 30, I am actually just turning 22. Yay! I like 22. That's a good age.

Marianne

My best friend Marianne, who I’ve known since we were both 14 and freshmen in high school (holy shit that is 16 years now, holy shit), has a diaryland page that she updates on a pretty regular basis. And while I try to keep up with it, the past two weeks or so were pretty crazy for me, so I wasn’t able to read it. But I just caught up right now and I have to say that it really is good reading. I say this not just because Marianne is my girl, but because Marianne is a great writer and has great insights and is very honest and real and an admirable and beautiful woman. She is also extremely intelligent. I am lucky to have her in my life. She’s off on a family vacation right now and I hope she’s having a great time but I will be glad when she gets back.

In other news, the first monsoon storm of the season is about to hit and I am very happy. Monsoon storms in Tucson are grand, glorious things to witness and to smell. For all the bad, there is some good.

And for those of you concerned, we managed to hook up to our neighbor’s illegal cable, so now we have TV to watch. For some reason, it only works in the bedroom outlet. I don’t particularly like the idea of a television in the bedroom, but I don’t like the idea of no television at all. Life is about compromisies, people. No TV or TV in the bedroom? Easy decision there.

Tomorrow is my ultrasound. yay!

Also, in 10 short days I turn 30. Horrible awful ugly 30.

a new home!

So we finally managed to find a place to live and we moved in over the weekend. I am so happy to finally be able to settle in and relax a little. I still have a million and one things to stress about, but having a place of my own, where I’m not inconveniencing or imposing on my good friends, is so nice, feels so good, I can’t even tell you. I am eternally grateful for all the help and support my friends, especially Morgan and Tiffany, have given me. I could never thank them like they deserve, but I am sure they all know how much I really appreciate it. Ryland thanks them immensely as well.

I can’t afford cable or internet or even a telephone right now, so loafe updates and email correspondence will be sparse. Hopefully these luxuries will be available to me again soon. I am at my parents’ house right now and doing some serious stealth work to post here without leaving any traces of this site that they could stumble across.

I think they feel guilty about everything that’s happened, particularly my mother, because she went out and bought me a lot of stuff for my new place. I am grateful for it, but I just wish it wasn’t the result of guilt. Oh well, I will take all the help I can get right now, no matter the reason.

I get another ultrasound this week! I am very excited. Maybe I can post the pictures.

Also, I need a dresser, a car, a desk and an ottoman or coffee table. Feel free to buy me these things.