Your Assignment.

Go to your local record store (independent if possible) and purchase the album Finally Woken by Jem.

A few of you may say, “But she sounds like Dido!”

And I say don’t be so ridiculous. Dido is for your mother. Jem is for you. Now go, buy, listen, enjoy.

drum roll please...

It’s official! I am having a boy! a little loafe boy with a little loafe penis and gorgeous amazing christa genes.

Everything is going just swell so far and the baby is healthy and normal and perfect and sweet and I saw his feet and his hands and his thumb and his penis and his heart and his bladder and his brain and his spine and and and and...I JUST LOVE HIM SO MUCH.

If I could have an ultrasound every day of my pregnancy, I would. Because it is the most awesome thing in the whole world.

I gotta say, I love being pregnant. I never feel alone. Everywhere I go, my baby is right there with me. I can talk to him and tell him jokes and he always laughs, ALWAYS. And he tells me how warm and comfortable I am inside and he loves to hear me talk and laugh and he is having just so much fun swimming around in me. I feel sorry for you boys, because you don’t get to experience this and no wonder you all hate us and feel so threatened by us! I am beginning to understand. I would be so jealous if I were a boy, so jealous that I couldn’t have a baby.

My dirty streets.

I am very afraid of something.

What if my baby doesn’t fill up this hole? Here I am thinking she will, depending on it, but what if she doesn’t? What if she comes along and she is perfect and lovely and amazing, but still, inside, I’m just an empty wasteland?

Because let’s face it folks, she’s really my only hope, my last chance, the final countdown, after this, it’s game over.

Already I love her more than I ever imagined possible and I may just be setting both of us up for a lot of sadness. I am putting such burdens on her, such expectations. She is a baby not my savior and I am terrified I’m going to screw it up. And this is the one thing that I absolutely positively cannot fuck up. How the hell am I going to grow up and be the unselfish, sane, rational being that I need to be in 5 months? I haven’t been able to do it in 29 years.

I can only hope that I am stronger and better than I think. Just do my best, I guess.

But I am still so very scared.

Right on cue.

Okay, so I am just past the 4-month mark and as all the pregnancy books say, I find myself with an abundance of frisky feelings. You know, of the sexy variety. So here I am feeling super feisty, but I’m not quite sure what to do with myself. I have put a moratorium on sex with Gordon (because he did some really boneheaded things that I’m not about to get into here) and we’re better off keeping things low key and simple. Sex complicates things, even when the sex is with the father of your baby.

The weird thing is despite all these sexual urges I don’t really want to have sex. Well, I guess I DO want sex, really good, toe-tingling crazy sex, but I don’t want it with Gordon or anyone else I know and I certainly don’t want to sleep with some random guy. Besides, I’m pregnant! Who wants to sleep with a big fat pregnant girl? Exactly.

So I’m stuck. Stuck like a crazy apple in a crazy orchard. Finally, finally, FINALLY, I want sex, and there’s nowhere for me to turn. Lousy timing.

Speaking of sex, on Tuesday I find out if I’m having a boy or a girl. yay! very exciting! I’m hoping for a girl.

Oh by the way, if any of you have been writing email to the loafe address, I don’t get those messages. It was just a sham address I made up to keep from getting spam. My real address is just my first name then the at symbol and then popmusic dot com. you all know this! (see you have to be tricky on web sites or else all those dirty spammers get your email and you get deluged with the crap)

I just realized that my baby is going to be born the year of the monkey. HOW COOL IS THAT?! My baby is a MONKEY. It couldn’t get any better, unless of course this was the year of the robot.

I know! I will just make up my own zodiac. From now on, starting in 1974 and occurring every 30 years is the year of the robot. Now both my baby and me are robots! HA! Take that astrology!

To Snip or Not.

Gordon and I had quite a heated discussion last night about whether we should circumcise the baby, if I have a boy. Gordon wants to circumcise and I refuse to do it. To me, it is genital mutilation and I want no part of that. I am not religious and I don’t think it is necessary to put my poor little baby through it.

And why should I make that choice for him? If he wants his penis circumcised, he can do it when he is older. For those same reasons, I am not going to pierce the ears of my baby if I have a girl, even though it is a family tradition. What if she doesn’t want pierced ears?

Apparently, though, I didn’t always feel this way. My friend Marianne says that back when she was having her little boy a few years ago, I was all in favor of circumcision. I don’t remember being for or against it back then, but she has a good memory so she knows. But even before I got knocked up, maybe in the past year or two, I was thinking that if I ever had a little boy I wouldn’t get him circumcised. So I guess something happened between then and now to change my mind. Gordon, in his infinite wisdom, says I want an uncircumcised penis now because of all the uncircumcised penises I met in Boston. (Please note that when I say infinite wisdom, I am being highly sarcastic.)

Anyway, despite Gordon’s protests and the fact that I have no penis, should I have a baby boy, I am not having him circumcised.

oooh, do you want to hear something very cool? Okay. For my desktop publishing class we had to create a gallery guide for an art show curated by my teacher. Our project was to create a 12-page book detailing the exhibit and each of the artists. The opening was Friday night and while I was unable to attend (because stupid me left my stupid bag in my stupid office at work, and by the time I realized it everyone at work had left, so I was stuck because my money and my ID and even my stupid keys were all in my stupid bag so I couldn’t get inside the office and I had to run around all night trying to track down my boss and get his keys so I could get inside and boy was it obnoxious) I found out from my teacher on Monday that my book was a favorite and one of the most popular.

eee! I jump with glee. There I was thinking my book sucked and everyone would hate it and I couldn’t believe I was even trying to pretend that I could be a designer or an artist or a desktop publisher of any kind. I guess I am better than I think.

My baby is hungry so I need to go hunt down some food now.

ABC Story.

Here is my ABC story.

I like it. I procrastinated almost two weeks to do it and then had to write it quickly Wednesday morning, before work and class.

It was hard work though. whew. I highly suggest everyone do this writing exercise. It was extremely useful and really makes you put in an effort. I had to use my brain. I cheated a little, by stealing a few ideas and lines from a loafe entry I did long ago, but it’s still me, still my writing, so it all works out in the end.

the sexiness begins.

Well, it’s happening. There is no turning back now.

I bought my first pair of maternity underwear last night.

Boy are these suckers huge. But damn if they aren’t comfortable. The waistband sits right below my breasts, which is hilarious, but surprisingly pleasant. These sexy panties should last me until the baby is born. They expand from 32 to 50 inches in the hip. wowza!

No wonder my mother hates me. Look what I did to her body!

So you know, I heard about the gorilla in Dallas that was killed because it “escaped” out of its prison cell and hurt some people, after being tormented by a bunch of rotten kids. I find it extremely sad and disappointing. Bad for the people hurt, bad for the gorilla, bad for all of us. Here’s an idea! Stop taking gorillas (and other animals) and caging them up for our entertainment! I guess it isn’t that easy, but it sure does seem like it could be that easy.

St. Patty's Day

I wish I was out getting drunk with a bunch of Irish blokes. Instead I’m stuck in class with a stupid baby in me.

motherhood is not looking so great right now.

I LOVE MY BABY THOUGH you shut up.

Peeing a million times a day.

So it feels like every five seconds I am getting up to pee and it’s very boring, all this peeing. To liven things up a bit, I have taken to walking like a zombie. Or walk as if I am in slow-motion. Or walk very very fast. It’s actually pretty fun and I might start incorporating it into all other aspects of my life. Why just walk like a zombie when I’m going down the hallway to pee? Why not walk like a zombie at the grocery store and on the treadmill at the gym and between classes at school?

Anytime is a good time for zombie walking.

slo-mo walking is fun too. I pretend I am in a music video.

A vSEXY music video.

A Daunting Task.

Being a single mom is gonna be hard work.

Sometimes I let myself think it will be easy, but deep down I know it will be hard. But that difficulty is very appealing to me. As little as I imagined myself having children, the few times I thought about it I was always a single parent.

Today I feel 100% sure I am having a girl.

A few days ago, I was 100% positive there was a little bacon boy in my belly.

I promise not to talk incessantly about my baby here on loafe, but I do promise to talk about it ALMOST incessantly. If you felt my tum right now, it would feel hard and you would say, christa there is a bacon baby in your belly!

snow, fucking snow.

I gotta say, I am just sick with the lousy Boston weather. We’re getting a huge ass snow storm this afternoon. A lousy motherscratching Nor’easter.

I think mother nature is trying to start something with me, picking a fight for some reason. and I only have one thing to say to you, mother nature: It is on like donkey kong!

and you ain’t getting no bananas!

How sad.

I used to be a lot more interesting.

Now I am just old and boring.

How lame.

How sweet it is.

In a recent post regarding the rather shocking news of my pregnancy, dear old Stephanie said: “Wow...this is completely unexpected but all together lovely.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself. Thanks Stephanie. You’re too cool for words. Loafe hugs you.

But do you all realize the ramifications of this? On my lousy 30th birthday, I won’t be able to drown my sorrows in copious and dangerously toxic amounts of alcohol, as previously planned. No, come July 18th, I get to be enormously fat AND cranky, with not a whit of liquor. What a crappy deal.

It’s true though, I love being pregnant, it is a very crazy banana. But damn if it isn’t boring! No drinking, no smoking, no crazy antics. sheesh. At least I get to eat. Food is always good.

I hope everyone watched Arrested Development last night. It was very funny. And this week, be sure to catch a special episode on Wednesday night, with Julia Louis-Dreyfus. She plays a blind date. Check your local listings!

A whale of a time.

I am feeling super bloated and extra fat today. I’m only 3 1/2 months and already I’m ready for this damn baby to be out. This doesn’t bode well for the next 5 months.

Hmmm...

An interesting thing we should all be aware of: “in barely three years in office, George W. Bush has already taken more vacation than Clinton did in seven years.”

Also, my email appears to be non-functioning right now. For whatever reason.

And yes...

It’s true. For you readers who aren’t sure, all this baby talk is because I am pregnant. CJM is having a baby!

It's A Shame.

Can I tell you how very wrong it is that I’m now seeing Dunkin Donuts commercials with Curt Schilling, in a Red Sox uniform? It is wrong, so very wrong. He’s a Diamondback! He’s national league! I just can’t believe it.

hmpf.

You really think you know someone and then one day you are forced to realize you do not know him at all. You can’t make any more excuses for him. And as you try to figure out the mess that became your life, you have to extract from it all the people that are sapping your energy and your sweetness and throw them to the wind.

It is time for Christa to do some housecleaning. Shake out the dust and get rid of the junk cluttering my world. My baby and I deserve only the best and we are not taking anything less. Not anymore!

mondays suck.

They really do. Especially mondays that are snowy and cold and windy and wet and slushy. The good news is that Gordon comes home tomorrow. Yay I can have sex!

I have to tell you right now, I do not think that Heather Graham is attractive. She has a strange face and her eyes have this distracting, weird cross-eyed thing going on and her head seems much too large for the rest of her body. I find her completely uninteresting and bland.

But you want to know who is very interesting and sexy and attractive? Gina Gershon. She is one spicy tamale. Oh yeah.

and please...if you are not watching Arrested Development, start immediately. It is a fabulous show and I don’t want it to go away. So please. PLEASE.

On Missing Gordon.

It’s way past my bedtime. I am tired but every time I turn out the light and try to sleep, nothing happens. I blink up at the ceiling and my leg twitches and my mind races and frustration sets in and I am ready to jump out the window and start hooting like a monkey up and down the street.

I think it is because I am a melancholy molly. Gordon is gone, on a mini-vacation of sorts. The bed is all mine, which is nice and I guess I’m enjoying it but I am ready for him to be home already. I feel lonely and anxious and off-balance. Gordon has this way about him, makes me feel very warm, secure and cozy. I love a boy who can do that.

One of my most favorite things about Gordon, one of the things that drew me to him and still intrigues me, is his complete lack of nerdiness. He is a goofball and he is fun and he jokes around with me and can be such a dorkus malorkus, but he isn’t a NERD. A computer nerd anyway.

He just isn’t into computers. I love that so much. He uses mine, but for things like downloading music and looking at the web sites of his favorite musicians and playing puzzle games. And I had to show him how to do those things. He doesn’t know code or how to program. He doesn’t chat or IM or even use email very often. He doesn’t surf the internet looking for porn or spend endless hours reading web sites and posting to forums. He doesn’t have a web site. He doesn’t want a web site. He enjoys discovering new music and he mostly uses the computer to that end.

And he’s smart, but he isn’t one of those guys that has to let everyone know how smart he is or what he’s smart about, walking around pontificating about matters great and small (yeah, pretty much the exact opposite of me). He just does his thing and lets everyone else do their thing. He is not pompous or arrogant about anything. It is so refreshing.

And I like watching funny movies or TV shows with him, because when he finds something really funny, it is the best feeling in the world. The way he laughs is just the cutest sweetest thing I know, and it makes me happy to see. He doesn’t guffaw. He laughs quietly, almost to himself, and he closes his eyes as if it is almost too much for him to bear. If you weren’t watching him, you may not even know how funny he thinks something is, but I do and I really appreciate that.

oh god, and I love how tall and lanky he is, all arms and legs everywhere. He has smooth skin the color of honey, all over his body, all year long, even in winter, and it always feels so good to touch. He has the most beautiful back I have ever seen on a man, a rich creamy caramel, gorgeous like his stomach, which is flat and smooth and ticklish. He can reach all the things that I can’t and he looks so good in jeans that I want to just chomp him. His fingers are strong and he makes the sexiest noises when he is turned on.

He loves me like I am the only woman on earth, because for him, I AM the only woman on earth. There are plenty of girls out there better looking than me, but he doesn’t see them, they don’t matter to him. Because I have all the things he wants. My body and my soul are all he needs.

I love when he chases after me and tells me how crazy I drive him. He deserves some sort of congressional medal for how incredibly patient he is when it comes to sex. I don’t know how he does it. He always tells me how he wants to just live in my vagina, but not in a dirty creepy way; more like a worshipping, respectful, loving way. I have known so few men who appreciate and adore a woman’s vagina the way we deserve, not treating it as just some dank dark place to stick a penis. Gordon truly understands and idolizes the femaleness in me and that can be a very hard thing for me to come to terms with at times, given my previous experiences with men.

I like it when we talk about the day we first met, because he tells me how he was in love with me the second he saw me and how he vowed to do anything he could to have a chance with me. He says my smile is all he ever needs to be happy. But he doesn’t say it in a cheesy way. I have never known a boy to be so sentimental and even sappy, yet still be such a guy. He is also very clean and neat (again the opposite of me) and has great coordination and reflexes (also the opposite of me). I appreciate in him all the things I lack.

mmm. I feel sleepy now. Thinking about Gordon was nice. It relaxed me. Absence does make the heart grow fonder.

I am also a believer that familiarity breeds contempt, but I will worry about that one later. For now, my heart grows fonder and I look forward to Gordon’s return.

A Question Answered.

I always used to wonder what was the point of life, what was the point of my life, why bother with anything. What did it matter? What was the
p
o
i
n
t
?

The answer is simple. Babies. They are the entire meaning of life. I used to think oh my the world is overpopulated we are having too many babies too many too many Too Many Babies and it’s true, the world IS overpopulated, but we are not doing anything wrong we are not bad humans we are doing exactly what we are supposed to be doing, what we are designed to do. Have babies. We are built to make as many babies as we can, because babies grow up into adults that can make even more babies, and we are very very good at it, aren’t we? We make some damn good babies.

I finally have meaning to my life, I have learned the sole reason for my existence. And I make this promise to you right now, little baby, this promise to you and you alone, forever and ever: I will sacrifice everything I have and everything I am and give you nothing less than my entire being.

but I hate you.

I cannot wait to move. I have stayed way too long in my current living situation and I’ve been unhappy for quite some time. But I became so apathetic about everything that I just stayed rather than taking the energy to find a new place to live. Also, I am living very cheaply and sometimes low rent wins out over happier living conditions. But I am definitely moving after school ends this semester. For my sanity, I must do this.

I am starting to wonder if maybe my goal of working in the magazine business is a bad one. That industry is brutal. The more I learn, the more anxious I get. It seems like the only way to get your foot in the door is to intern. And practically all internships are unpaid. Younger people, 20 and 21 year old kids without a lot of burdens, have it easier, they can get away with it, but I am not young anymore and there are a few things on my horizon that will prevent me from working a job that is unpaid, for any length of time. One of the major reasons I picked Emerson was its internship program and now it looks like I will be unable to take advantage of that. Terrific! Life deals another kick in the ass to Christa. Thanks Life!

Hey, I am a cancer with pisces rising. In case you were curious.

I have a very interesting assignment for my short-short class. I have to write a story that is exactly 26 sentences long. Each of those sentences has to start with a letter of the alphabet, in sequence, so the first sentence starts with letter a, the second with letter b, and so on. Oh and one of the sentences has to be 100 words long and another sentence has to be a fragment. It sounds a little complicated but I am intrigued.

When I complete it, I may share it with you. If you are good.

Also, I have decided I am an equal opportunity hater. I don’t discriminate when it comes to hate. I hate everyone equally. I wish there were more EOHs like myself. The world would be a better place.

sigh.

Sometimes, I feel like I am the only girl in the entire universe who loves and cares about hockey. and it is pretty lonely, let me tell you.

GET OUT!

holy happy blueline batman!

The Bruins just picked up Sergei Gonchar and I am ecstatic. They didn’t even have to give up a whole heck of a lot for him. I liked Shaone Morrisonn and he has a lot of potential, but damn it we have Gonchar now and the effing Leafs do not. So HA! His plus-minus could be better, but he has what, 50 points? I will take that any old day.

Oh I am very happy about this, very very happy.

Also, I keep finding dirty scumbags posting ADVERTISEMENTS on my comments section. How annoying is that? Take your penis enlargements and casino come ons and put ’em up your ass.

braaaaaainsssss.

Anybody who knows me knows that I am a sucker for zombies and zombie movies. They freak me out and I love them. Zombies. Brains. Zombies. You can’t go wrong when zombies are on the make.

They have a new remake of Dawn of the Dead coming out and I have no idea if it’s gonna suck (it probably will, it certainly can’t live up the original) but the preview I saw was sufficient enough to make me braaaaains-crazy and it scared me mucho mucho. There are better special effects these days, so that’s a plus. And a crappy zombie movie is better than almost any other movie, so you can be sure that I’ll be at the theater for this flick come March 19th.

Also, loafe wishes a lovely happy birthday to j.s.