RGC

Gordon and I have finally managed to both agree on a name for my baby. I was really fond of Max, but most of the people I talked to disagree with it. I think Max is a great name. Nobody names her kid Max anymore. Max! I just love it.

Gordon wasn’t too thrilled with it, and since his sperm played a key role in all of this, I figured I better keep looking. We came across the name Ryland in the baby name book. Ryland! I liked it immediately and the more I let it sit, the more I love it. Ryland. It is such a cool name. It’s different but not crazy weird. And I have all sorts of cute nicknames already: Rye, Ryer, Ryerson, etc. Isn’t it fabulous?

My friend Marianne suggested I keep the name to myself, because everyone has an opinion. She’s right. Everyone has a million suggestions and hates what I like and likes what I hate. In the end, it really comes down to what I (and Gordon too but mostly me) like and what feels like a good match for my baby. Right now, it feels like there’s a cute little Ryer Ryerson in me.

It’s very hard, this baby naming business.

You know, loafe, this whole pregnancy thing has really changed me. Not in some sort of crazy obvious way (well, besides the big belly and stuff) but in little, subtle ways, like how I view the world and myself. Before the pregnancy, I wasn’t all that thrilled about very much. I was generally okay with things, just not super excited about my life. I was plodding ahead because that’s what you do. Having a kid was the last thing on my mind. In fact, the entire idea of having a baby was so completely foreign and wrong to me I was convinced a baby would only make my life even worse.

Then I got pregnant. At first, it was so shocking and upsetting. I fretted and worried and stressed. I kept saying, “I am not ready for a baby! I don’t like kids1 I wasn’t supposed to be able to get pregnant! I am not ready for a baby!” I was confused and scared and reluctant to go ahead with it.

But now...well, it’s only been three months since I found out but I can’t possibly imagine my life any other way. I can’t remember what it felt like to not be pregnant. Those feelings of reluctance and doubt are gone. I can’t believe I even had them. If I could choose, if I could go back and do it again, I wouldn’t do it any other way. Imagining what my life would be like right now if I weren’t having a baby depresses me. A Christa sans baby makes me v. sad. That old life was easier and more carefree, but it seems so silly to me now, so unimportant and pointless. And now I feel excited. I feel happy. My life, my actions, my world...it all finally has meaning.

I wouldn’t want it any other way. It feels so right and so natural. Like this is exactly what I should be doing. And I gotta tell you, loafe, that has to be the greatest feeling in the world. Because of all the places I’ve been and all the things I’ve done, nothing compares, nothing has ever made me feel so complete and just so...content. And that contentedness proves to me that I will be a good mother. I’m not worried anymore.

Ryland. I like that Christa, good choice. Did I tell you I get to try to find out the gender with another ultrasound next Wed? I still don't have a girls name. Any ideas? Aaron is such a pain in the ass when it comes to names.

I like Ryland as well, and that's all that matters.

What can I say... Max is a cool name ;-) You see people still name their kids Max. As for Ryland, it's great too, but you can understand I'm bias to your first choice...

Good luck with everything,

Max Ryerson