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nothing ever is, but all things are becoming...all things are the offspring of flux and motion. -socrates 11-02-00 2nd day of pier 1. again it was fabulous. this thing I have for pier 1--it might be clincal. it might be certifiable. i'm crazy pier 1 lady. i really am. instead of reading cheesy romance novels and masturbating quietly, I wear my pier 1 apron and flip through the pages of my pier 1 furniture book and make sweet sweet (solo) love. I've decided to stop liking that new boy. or rather, it was sort of decided for me. which is okay; in the long run, I'm better off. I really need to stop picking the wrong boys and start finding the right ones. i'm in a bit of a down slide. things have to pick up eventually. and this isn't me wah wah wahing about boys. it's just me commenting. but you know, I wouldn't mind someone being in love with me for a change. I'm sick of all this goddamned unrequited stuff. and I want this person to be in love with me and not sleep with my roommate or convince himself he loves me because he is lonely and he'd rather settle than continue being alone or pretend love out of some sense of duty or obligation. someone to say to me "you know christa, you are totally insane and I wouldn't want you any other way". I'm asking for a lot. I'm nothing special and I want someone to believe that I'm the only thing in the world worth having. I want an unconditional, unwavering love that won't disappear when I do something stupid. I want an ultraviolet love, because I feel like trash and I want to feel clean, I want a lightbulb hanging over my bed. he has to exist, doesn't he? someone who won't make me hate who I am, who won't run at the first sign of discord. someone who is flawed and strong and honest and sometimes he is scared, but that won't stop him. because he knows. he knows that even though I'm maybe a bit complicated, even though I'm difficult and overflowing with problems, it's okay. because my love is simple and pure and undecorated and it will fill him and he'll never want it to go away. it's okay because he knows the way I look at him and he can feel it, he can feel me, and I'm white hot, he can't get enough, he always wants to be inside and I'm wrapped around him so tight and he goes deeper pushing away at the past setting fire raining fire, we're motion and light and still he goes deeper he's pushing I'm moaning we're burning we're whispering we're loving we're coming and everything is lost and everything is bright and nothing matters nothing matters but us. I bet all this is just waiting for me around the corner. I better make sure to wear my smartest shoes. (obviously, I spend way too much time alone)
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