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wonder where I'll be in a year...I'll probably be sitting right here. and if you know the answer don't tell me anyone, cause I don't wanna know. -refreshments 11-01-00 just the idea that it is now november fills me with dread and sadness and regret and loss. my stomach just sits in me, heavy and burning. I thought my life would be so different when the holidays rolled in this year. I honestly believed that. but it's not any different than last year or the year before that, or before that. Is it worse? eh, hard to say. yes and no. but it definitely isn't good. that's for sure. I bailed out on Halloween celebrations early tonight because I was/am tired, just like I said to them, but mostly it was because I feel so ... I don't even know anymore. I'm going to this party, you see, a gala event, grand evening it shall be, and I have to bring this cake, my very own cake that I have to bake by myself, from scratch. The tricky thing about this cake though is I only get one chance. I have all the ingredients, all the tools, for just one cake. So if I screw it up, then I have to go without a cake, and they won't let you in door if you don't have what you're supposed to bring. You know that right? And already my cake is a mess, I've just started it, but I've ruined it. Now I am just flailing around and stalling and trying to pretend that I can still save everything. But I see that door and I know they sure as heck aren't gonna let me through it. I've wasted so much. that's how I feel. the good news is that I have DSL now. Finally. And it all seems to be working. and my first day at pier 1 was swell. I loved it. tired christa, lame update, more tomorrow, probably not. oh, and no bad halloween witch devil goblin spooky stuff happened to me or my cats. whew.
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