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A chief event of life is the day in which we have encountered a mind that startled us. -Ralph Waldo Emerson 10-27-00 oooh...eleven am on the dot! I wonder if that means bad luck. I think it's kinda amusing how boys can be jerks and cowards and it's accepted ("oh that's just in their nature") but when a girl calls them on it and tries to get them to own up to it, she is seen as this impossible-to-deal-with person. I wonder if it's just a girl thing, to tell yourself "oh, this guy, he's different. he's not like the others" and actually BELIEVE IT! but I honestly sincerely believed that he was different. I did. but he's just as scared as the rest of them, and I should have known that I should have seen that I should have never believed. the two most recent boys in my life (if you can describe it that way), the ones who really really affected me, who weren't dull and phony and asleep, who had a mind that startled me--well, I managed to lose them both. I couldn't even keep their friendship, which is what was most important to me anyway. There is something wrong with me, some deep and essential part of me that is unacceptably flawed, I swear to god. both these boys, they came to me, when I wasn't even looking, caught me by surprise, and I handled it all so badly. to be fair to myself, these two guys weren't exactly decent about their handling of me either, especially in the end, but you know, it doesn't matter. and the 2nd boy came right on the heels of the "falling out" with the 1st boy so that didn't make it any easier. listen to me. I'm so sixth-grade retarded. ARGH. I just want really want to stop being christa, it gets to be too much. can I start over? I want a whole new personality please. Hmm...I'd like to be a duck. no more swan business for me. duck is the way to go (if you're wondering what I'm talking about, a few months ago I wrote about my therapist using this duck vs swan analogy. if you were a good loafe reader, you'd know this). I didn't go to work today, cause my head I think weighs eighty-seven pounds and it's all snot. at least yesterday it was coming out. sneezing and having to blow your nose every five minutes is a hassle, but I'd prefer that to having it all just sitting there crowding around in my already crowded head. I feel heavy. I am sexy. boy howdy. I LOVE MARIANNE AND I AM SO GLAD SHE'S BACK IN MY LIFE. we were inseparable in high school. It wasn't just christa or just marianne, it was marianne and christa, christa and marianne. oh my god I just remembered something. marianne's dad used to have this little yellow truck. this truck was awesome. it was beat up but it ran well and it was just fucking cool and we used to take that to school. heehee. one evening after some club or meeting or something, we were in the truck and leaving and we decided to just drive through the campus in the yellow truck. so we did. down the walkway (our campus was outside) we went, and we were laughing so hard and it was the funniest damn thing. Of course, it's only funny to her and me. I wonder if she remembers that. What did sean used to call the truck? I can't remember. he had a name for it. the beast? I can't remember. I learned to drive a stick in that truck. I also learned to drive in her mom's car. hahaha. oh man that's another funny memory. It was my first time driving and everything was fine and we Marianne said "here, let's go to Circle K, turn up there". circle k (a convenience store) was on the right. well, it was my first time and I didn't realize that I had to brake and slow down, so I just made the right into the parking lot at like 35 and it was so crazy. man. marianne was shouting and I think her brother may have been in the car, and he was shouting and I was like "well jesus just calm down, I didn't crash the car" and the lady inside the circle k was laughing and it is making me laugh so hard right now to think about. christ. last night I talked to celeste. it's been ages since we've talked. she is so funny. She gave me a great idea though--to go to seattle and spend new year's eve there with her. I think it's a great fucking idea. I need some celly belly. let's just see if I can afford it. anyone wanna join me? I am the biggest asshole. I have so many great friends and all I do is whine and moan and complain about how fucking miserable I am. I can just fuck off is what I can do. my pier 1 interview is in a few hours. three. Three hours. yay! I want to work there. I want my little blue apron and I still have my name tag and I want my little furniture book and I want to help people pick out stuff. I like to swear, I think it's very charming. preparations for the role of peppermint patty are well under way. Last night I even dreamed about greg, who is gonna be good ol' chuck. I don't think patty ever had these kinds of dreams, though. well maybe in the porno peanuts version. Christa is wishing she had gone to the Worcester show on Tuesday that Moby did. but it was movie night with my boss and we did watch "Nightmare Before Christmas" so that wasn't so bad. mark and neila had never seen it before. I want to get the special edition DVD, it has all these cool extra features. can I just say that I love DVD? I love DVD. oooh! I just sneezed and then blew my nose! come forth snot, come forth! As much as I like watching sports, I want to start playing them. I want to learn/play hockey. I could start with street hockey, but I wanna move up to ice hockey. I think I could be a good hockey player. maybe not a good goal-maker, but I can be very aggressive. I like to act like I'm tough. morgan has this great idea for sports. he doesn't like to watch sports, but he says that'd he be an avid fan if they did pro sports like the draft--organizations would recruit normal, average men and women to join the team and compete. I think that is a great idea. You get notice in the mail that you are to start playing football for the Washington Redskins and you'd have to report at a certain time and you'd get some training and all that, but basically you'd have a bunch of non-athletes playing a bunch of other non-athletes. that's entertaining. is it obvious I am bored? my boss said for me to not come in today because he didn't want me getting everyone else sick although I think the contagious period is already over. but anyway, I'm bored. I have two updates for October 27th. Prolific Christa I guess. fargo has been very very lovey-dovey lately, which is good and I love that, but it also means that I have claw marks all over me. one of his favorite spots is on my left shoulder, where he sits like you would hold a baby. so he'll claw his way up to my shoulder, leaving nice red scratches on my arm, breast, shoulder and back. I'm not complaining, just commenting. people don't seem to like my epinions. I wish I could write an epinion of people who don't like my epinions. then again, I don't exactly do what you're supposed to do when writing an epinion. but is it really my fault that "little nicky" is the dumbest movie to ever come out? is it my fault that adam sandler isn't funny anymore? no. it isn't my fault. and I don't need to see the movie to know this. People should be THANKING ME. I'm so good at reviewing movies that I don't even need to see them. okay let's kiss and go our separate ways now. see you later loafe!
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