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"everything that i believe is wrong with you is wrong with me. everything i truly love i love in you and i love in me." -indigo girls, "hand me downs" (quote courtesy of marianne) 10-25-00 I wish I had that one person that I could call up in the middle of the night, when I am so so close to that edge, and in the dark we'd talk and hearing their voice...it would make me even sadder but it would make me feel better, too. they'd just sit there with me on the phone, giving me a little piece of themselves, helping me think that maybe just maybe it will all be okay. I don't have a person like that. sigh. a lot of us don't have that person, I bet. every single living breathing part of me wants so much to start over from the beginning. my memories of when I was depressed, so overwhelmingly depressed, are still very vivid. I remember exactly what it was like, what it felt like. I wanted to stop living, stop existing, I wanted to be nothing at all. I wanted to die. It was a terrible time, but I had a few shining lights and I made it through. I couldn't have done it without Morgan though, that's for sure. I love him so very very very much and if I believed in soulmates, he'd be the closest thing. I'm beyond happy for him and I'm glad I was wrong about him and Tiffany, cause no one deserves to be happy more than him. I'm a jerk for standing in his way in the first place. the thing is, even though I am not depressed like I was back then, even though I don't want to die, I don't think I have ever been sadder than I am now. if that karma stuff is true, what goes around comes around, then I must be/have been a really horrible awful shitty person who hurt/hurts a lot of people. either that or something about me really motivates people to hurt me. it's almost comical. if it didn't suck so bad I'd be laughing. maybe I'm just an extra-sensitive person. maybe god finds me particularly loathsome. maybe I am just someone's bad dream. and yes, I am one of those people who always focuses on the bad and who takes for granted all the good things surrounding her. it's my nature. thankfully I have my kitties. they love me. shut up, they do so! you don't know anything.
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