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11:58am
EST
I
went to a nightclub last night for the first time in ages. First
nightclub I've been to in boston. I had so much fun, I was dancing
and sweating and watching other people dance and just enjoying it
so much. It reminded me of the old christa, the girl I used to be.
Sometimes it seems like I've strayed so far. There were lots of
things I didn't like about the old christa, but I like her a lot
more than I like who I am now. But I've decided to try and get back
some of those things that I like and miss. how to begin? well, start
going to nightclubs again. I wish I knew someone who likes going
to nightclubs and will dance and let loose a little with me. It's
not as fun by yourself. I don't go to pick-up or get picked-up,
I go to dance and dance and dance, but the kids I know who go are
looking for some action.
but
then again...
sex
after dancing all night can be really great. I just don't want it
with random strangers, especially not someone you hook up with at
a dance club. I'd rather go dancing with someone I like, then slide
on home and dance a little more, knowwhatimsaying?
I
came home alone last night (well, I came home with neely, but I
meant without a boy) and at first I was sad. but waking up this
morning, I felt good about myself and even though it makes me feel
lonely, I know that at least I am not using casual sex as a disappointing
substitute for affection and that is nice.
so
it seems that I like the fun and excitement of casual sex but I
also want something more. But the mere fact that I DO have casual
sex pretty much wipes out any chance I have of anything else.
I
got into a little "fight" with my friend Gina last week
or so because she was annoyed at some stuff I had written here at
loafe. She didn't like that I had said I wished I could be the right
kind of girl. She was confused when I said that I want to be liked
for more than just sex. This conflicts with what she knows about
me, what she hears from me--that I use these boys as much as they
use me and that's true. I see with clear eyes and I know exactly
what I am doing. But I also see that there are more to those boys
than JUST sex, that just because they sleep around (and they do)
that's all they're good for. And that's what I want. I'm not saying
I want them all to be madly in love with me. Not at all. I just
want to be seen as a valuable person. Having sex with different
people and enjoying it doesn't make me a useless or a worthless
person and I want to be recognized for that. I don't mind being
seen as a sexual person, a sex maniac, a sex god. I just don't want
to be seen as nothing more than a sex toy. I am a slut, but I am
ALSO funny and smart and nice and caring and generous and silly
and on and on. so see that, too.
that's
all I'm saying.
gina
and I aren't mad at each other anymore. I apologized for being bitchy
to her and she apologized for being a bitch. ahahahaha.
it's
almost fourth of july and we all know what that means. two weeks
till my birthday. yeehaw! technically speaking, I am gonna be 26
years old. But I've decided that I don't really want to be 26. It's
too old. So I am going backwards. I am going to be 24. When I hit
21, I'll go back up towards 25 again. That way I will always be
in my early twenties. This is a good plan.
I
think pickles and tomatoes are the greatest foods ever. And bananas
too. Those three foods are just so great. wait, and beverages too!
pickles and tomatoes and bananas and beverages. but not hot beverages.
only cold. and not tea.
so
I have a laptop and it has a NIC and a modem, little credit cards
that slip into their little credit card slots. The NIC has a small
slit for the ethernet cable and the modem has a small button you
push and out pops the phone cord plug. well, the design of these
two items has made it that the phone cord cannot be plugged in at
the same time as the ethernet cable and vice-versa. this irritates
me. was this not something they considered when designing their
products? (they being toshiba and umm...3Com and Linksys). I guess
they figured no one would need to use both at the same time, but
you know what? THEY WERE WRONG.
I noticed something recently about my sleeping. Regardless of the
time I go to bed, whenever I have to get up for work in the morning,
I am always tired, whether I get 8 hours of sleep or not. However,
I can go to bed at 3am on a friday night and wake up at 9am on Saturday
and not be tired at all. I think it has to do with my alarm clock.
On mornings when I have to wake up, I set the alarm and then it
goes off and I don't want to get up and it sucks. On mornings when
I don't have to be awake, I turn the alarm off and get up whenever
it feels good and it doesn't suck. I think my alarm clock has issues
and it is affecting my sleep.
only
now I am starting to feel sleepy. I need a nap.
p.s.
and I'm not saying that I think casual sex makes you a better person
or a worthwhile person, but not having casual sex doesn't make you
that either.
p.s.
I started this update at 11:58 this morning and it is now 5:40pm.
hmmm. 
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