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8:42pm
EST
I
love my therapist. she likes me despite all my stupid shitty self-destructive
behaviour
(oooh, look at me using the "u"). she reminds me of the
good stuff. she convinces me I am not a lost cause. of course, all
the hours after I leave her office are quite different than the
one hour I spend with her. She may think that I'm more than what
I do, but out here, it's what I do that matters. That's what people
see. and what my therapist knows and what I share with her--well
that is stuff that most people will never see, know or hear. so
it's my behaviour (heehee) that defines me. and based on my behaviour
(teehee), I am pretty damn worthless.
but
I'm cute! and I like to buy gifts! so don't you be scared. now get
over there and fill out my best friend application.
I am getting so lonesome. lonesome christa lone lone no one around
empty sound moan with a stone in your heart be smart I want to be
found.
I
think about boys and sex way too much. boys boys sex boys sex sex
sex ohhh sex boys sexy boys boys boys sex sex sexy sexy sex boys
oh oh i love sex you boys.
I
bought a fan at wal-mart for $9.97 and it is the best fan IN THE
WORLD. it's small and it's quiet and it's a dream. I think I still
need an air conditioner in my room, but this fan...well, I kiss
this fan. I kiss you fan!
I
spent most of today cleaning and straightening and organizing my
room. I brought back lots of stuff from arizona and now I gotta
find a place for it all. anne-marie and I went and saw small time
crooks. woody allen. it was alright, it got on my nerves a little,
there are definitely better woody Allen films, although my boyfriend
michael rapaport did an amazing job, as usual. he's a sexy sexy
fox, isn't he? there were some funny jokes in the movie, I laughed.
speaking
of Anne-Marie, I love her and her family. and neely's too. I spent
a bit of time with both families this weekend and they're all good.
it's so nice. they all crack me up. did you know that when someone
says "it'll be some good crack" and they are irish, it
means fun? that's what it means. also, when the Irish ask how you
are doing, you say "grand", not fine or good. And umm...other
sexy stuff like that. I hate those irish boys but I love them and
even when they are being assholes they are still so cute. I have
a mad crush on one Irish boy who is with a different woman every
single night I see him and I've had a few people say "oh he's
an asshole" but how can I fault a boy for being a boy? that
doesn't make him an asshole. And of course because I am a STUPID
GIRL with STUPID THOUGHT PROCESSES, the more unreachable and un-gettable
he becomes, the more I want him. I think "oh, if I were the
right kind of girl, he'd come around. he'd want me and only me.
if I were the right kind of girl". lots of things wrong with
this way of thinking. first of all, it probably isn't true. And
even if it were true, I could never be that right kind of girl and
even if I were the right kind of girl, he wouldn't realize it. It
doesn't matter, in the end I'll find someone new to like and he'll
eventually go back to ireland and the misery will continue, uninterrupted,
same place, different time, admission is free.
I
tried to explain to Morgan the reasons for my distance with him,
but I think I did a bad job of it. I seem to have a hard time keeping
friends. maybe the first friend or two that you lose you can chalk
up to circumstances and lay the blame elsewhere, but when it continually
happens you have to realize that the problem is you, something inherently
flawed and broken within yourself. the thing is--I have never stopped
loving any of these friends I've lost. Not once, even now. No matter
what they did or said, no matter what happened. this makes me better
than them (i'm kidding, relax).
In
exactly one month, it will be my birthday. please plan accordingly.
okay,
it's 9pm and I still have things left to do. This means good bye.
but I do love you. unless you have a stupid name. you all know who
you are.
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